Down into the warren...

Moving on

2006-09-02T23:44:00.000+01:00

Time to move on again, so I'm setting up yet another blog. Easily found at doarr.blogspot.com, though its still new and the template, not to mention the rest, needs a lot of work.

Bored out of my mind

2006-02-27T19:59:00.000Z

Yet again, sitting here bored out of my mind while I wait for a customer to take me to the computer. After all, its not like I might have a busy day, or other things to do.

That was a while ago now, at the moment we're at some gaming society promoting Blood LRP. Anyone living near Chesterfield send an e-mail to bloodlrp@gmail.com for details.

A party

2006-02-11T20:55:00.000Z

At an engagement party at the moment, so far I know maybe two of the people here, and they're the ones I brought with me in the car. Gonna be starting to chain-smoke soon. For some reason we're discussing bad things to wake up to. Currently two people having sex next to you is ruling as the worst wake-up call. If anyone can beat that let me know.

And an hour after writing that I still don't know anyone. Been plotting stuff for LRP with Mark, scheming about how to perform a bloody revolution. I've also been turning over a handful of charms in my head. Thinking of trying some of them out here, though I'm not sure if I could get the materials together.

Slightly worrying thing, I'm not quite sure how to describe it. I think the closest comparison would be auras though its not so much colours as it is impressions, scents and feelings. For example someone who just left us, and the best way I can describe the feeling he left me with would be oily. I can still feel his aura hanging in the air like that chip shop grease atmosphere.

I suppose I could get used to it, but its gonna make it a lot harder to hide my dislike for people.

Is it possible to purposely develop synaesthesia? I'd really like that question answered. I know there are some drugs which can do it, which I'd love to try. Anyway, for years I've associated sounds with tastes and so on, but I've been doing it consciously and deliberately. Today I noticed that its turned subconscious. I just get the taste and scent of music now, along with the sound.

I'll be writing more later if I get bored.

Car troubles

2006-02-06T19:39:00.000Z

Why can't they just write the bloody thing off? I mean really, its got over a hundred thousand miles on the clock, and it needs £1300 of repairs. All I want is for the thing to be scrapped so I can get a new one.

Just watching the weakest link. Where the hell do they find these people?

I don't know what I'm going to do this month. I think I'm going to have to take a week off work at some point. Looks like I'll be spending a lot of time on my borrowed PS2.

Beard or no?

2006-01-31T22:46:00.000Z

I've finally given up on shaving, it just got too boring and irritating each morning to drag very sharp metal over my face, so I've now got a beard of sorts. So make your choice kiddies: should I keep it or not, comment away.

Anyway, moving on from that to possibly slightly more interesting topics. Lets talk spiritualism. Those of you who live in the wonderful land of Brittania have probably heard that chip 'n' pin is going final on the 14th of Febuary. You might wonder what this has to do with spiritualism, or more appropriately magic.

Yes, I believe in magic. Long story. Don't ask unless you're gonna buy me a drink.

Anyway signatures, like you use when paying for things without chip and pin, are powerful focal objects for sympathetic magic. I'm just glad to see that they're finally gonna be ever so slightly harder to access.

Bored now. Going to bed.

Evil Beemers

2006-01-30T22:30:00.000Z

BMWs are evil.

They conspire against me.

Review the evidence. Every single car accident I have ever been involved in has involved a BMW, including the one today. They conspire to strike at me just after repairs, or just before MOT tests that I sorely need in order to keep working, thus making me fail the test. BMWs must be evil.

In case you didn't guess today has not been a good day, and I can't see tomorrow getting much better. Work have pulled their usual trick of dumping more jobs than it is physically possible to complete in a day on me (of course its possible to drive two and a half hours to my first job, spend half an hour on the job, then repeat for eight others all in an eight hour time period. Easy, really). I'm guessing they think that because I will actually stay out until ten o'clock at night to get jobs finished I must enjoy it. Not true. I want the money is all.

Add to that the fact that this bastard machine won't do what I tell it to. "Kill the viruses I say", "No" it says "instead I'll lock them away nice and safe so when you think I'm secure they can jump out and suprise you". Burn machines. All of them.

I've got to update my spellbook and cocktail blog soon. They were meant to have an entry each day, an idea which rapidly crashed when I discovered that the download allowance on my shiny new treo actually existed, despite all claims from work to the contrary. Hopefully the allowance should be refreshed in a couple of days so I can continue with my pointless rambles of alcoholic or blasphemously mystical nature. See? Machinery hates me.

I think I'll go insert some dried poisonous plant into my mouth wrapped in carbon products and light the end of it to calm down.

Humanity is insane.

Smoking kills...

2006-01-28T14:13:00.000Z

...but the world sucks anyway so go for it. Ever have one of those days where you wake up and the world just seems off slightly? Not one of those days where you know everything's about to go wrong but where it seems everything already has. As though while you were sleeping someone took the world and just twisted it slightly, or moved you to some parallel dimension where things just aren't quite right. I dunno, maybe I'm just oversensitive about these things. Today just feels that way.

Anyway, moving on from today's depression. The other night some people said that I was more intelligent than them. I don't agee with this. Intelligence is a product of careful, logical reasoning. I'm crap at that. The reason they said it was because of my understanding of game rules. Personally I don't think that has anything to do with intelligence, more to do with pattern recognition and an understanding of systems.

All of you lucky people are going to get an insight into my childhood now. Have fun.

I used my first computer when I was three or four, and I've been hooked ever since. We never had a television and never really needed one. I was usually too absorbed in books or the computer to bother with wasting my time on watching tv. I think this is probably when I started to get my understanding of systems. I can understand machines, computers, whatever you care to name so long as it has sensible rules governing it.

People seemed harder at first, and it was only much later that I learned how similar they are. Push the right buttons and you can always get the results you want. Anyway, that's another story.

My main point here is that its not a matter of intelligence, I just have an innate, trained understanding of systems. I don't reason things out, ever, I just follow intuition. Most of the time it turns out to be the right intuition, but that's not the point.

Dream

2006-01-24T11:22:00.000Z

I want to live in a church, I've wanted this for years and doubt I'll ever be able to explain exactly why. Not a functioning church, obviously, since most likely they'd try to burn me at the stake. There's just something about the weight of history and faith that these old buildings carry. Its kind of like a library I guess, just that sense that you should be respectful towards the building.

Of course I'd desanctify the place first.

Anyway, busy day today, hoping to be home before nine but I doubt it'll happen. Still I can hope.

The resolution to get fit has fallen by the wayside a bit now that work's started again. Maybe I should get one of those electric muscle toners. Its only really my stomach I don't like, I'm quite comfortable with the rest of me. Anyone got any recommendations?

Michael Marshall Smith

2006-01-23T19:34:00.000Z

I'd forgotten how much I loved this author's work. He's got some sort of obsession with cats, and with sideways realities. I don't know if that's quite the right word but it suits better than alternate realities. He has Jeamland and Memory in Only Forward, the Forest in Spares (the book that the film The Island was loosely based off) and the other realm in One Of Us.

The thing about these realities is that they make sense. They're actually plausible in a way, if you don't mind discarding a lot of things we supposedly "know". Not that I'm saying they're real, just that I wish they were. Wouldn't it be nice if there really was something more which we could sense, see or touch somehow without having to rely on blind faith?

I suppose that's the reason the only drug I'd be interested in trying would be hallucinogenics. Just that feeling that there should be something more.

Adrenaline

2006-01-21T21:04:00.000Z

I'd forgotten how much of a kick adrenaline could be. I've not had a decent fight for ages yet after one friendly wrestling match with a mate (for the price of fifty pence to each of us for the two female and one male spectators) I feel so much better. I didn't even realise that I'd been bottling up this need for violence until I let it out just now.

Its something I just can't explain, but the aches and ains of the fight, the bruises I'm sure are gonna show tomorrow, and the chance to just cut loose (admittedly within certain limits) without worrying about the other person have done me a word of good. Even though I lost I feel as though something is sated, at least partially, that hasn't been fed for a long time. It kinda scares me.

Tomorrow, in fact tonight, I'm gonna start training again. Fitness, general stamina and strength. I need to get back into proper shape again. I need to quit smoking, start eating healthily again, and lose the stomach that depresses me every time I look at it.

Mainly this entry is for me rather than anyone else, to remind me how I feel at the moment, and make sure I stick to it.

Interference

2006-01-19T12:05:00.000Z

Okay so my parents mean well, but I'd really appreciate if they'd just stop interfering. Yep, I've got problems with money and blah blah blah but if I can't deal with them then its my problem, not theirs. Just a little bit of a break. I know if sounds ungrateful, but I don't want them bailing me out if I get into trouble. I'm quite capable of dealing with it myself.

Alright, maybe not capable, but if I don't deal with it myself I just end up with even more guilt which makes it worse.

Anyway I'm starting to exercise again, got myself up to twenty-five pressups so far, trying to get to a hundred by the end of Febuary. The training program for the kids starts tomorrow as well, it'll be nice to get back into some form of teaching, even if it is gonna be training children to use out-of-date medieval weaponry and trying to force them to get fit against their will. Still gonna be fun. And loud. Lots and lots of loud.

Out of work

2006-01-18T15:37:00.000Z

Nope, not lost my job, but I can't work again until I can get paid and actually afford to put petrol in my car so I'm taking a few days off. Kitty's had the last two days off as well, and its been nice to be able to spend time together just relaxing, not having to shoot out to organised things, or have people come around, or whatever. Sure its nice to have friends round but every now and then its nice to have some time to just chill out for a bit.

More importantly its nice not to be getting home at ten in the evening after leaving at seven in the morning. Its paid well and all (actually its not once I've taken off my expenses, but who cares?) but it just gets a bit wearing when all I can do is get up, go to work, come home and sleep.

Looking forward to Friday night when I get to put the kids through their paces, and then go down to Woking for the weekend. Most importantly go to Woking for the weekend and have the house to ourselves since my parents are off to some other country for work again. Kinda miss them while living up here, although they drove me insane while I was living with them. I guess that's what family are meant to do.

Off to see the wizard

2006-01-15T15:00:00.000Z

At Gav and Mary's today to try not to spend too much money on toys (weapons, armour, shields, all sorts of LRP stuff).

Had a good night last night, went to a house warming, drank, and hammered out an independent vampire LRP system which we're hoping to trial in a couple of months.

The local

2006-01-14T11:46:00.000Z

I love having a local pub, even if its not technically our local. Its just a nice place to sit, have a pint in the bay window, and finally cool off after a stressful week. So here's to local independent pubs and the chance to unwind after a stressful week, to just sit and have a quiet drink for an hour and watch the world go by.

There are times wheb I love this life.

Training scouts

2006-01-13T15:49:00.000Z

At the moment I'm helping to run a LRP club for some kids every other friday. In essence this means I get an excuse to wave padded weaponry around and train them. My new plan as of a week today will be to select some of them and actually train them properly as scouts and assassins.

No, its not real. Still fun though.

Yet another

2006-01-12T22:11:00.000Z

I must really have too much time on my hands, or not be getting enough sleep. I've just started yet another blog (here in fact). For those of you who think I'm an atheist, prepare to be suprised.

Yes, I have religious beliefs. I'm not gonna go into them or the reasons behind them just now because its late and I've got a girlfriend to drag off the computer and outside for a cigarette before bed.

Speaking of which...Oi! Kitty! Get your cute arse off that computer!

Long haul

2006-01-12T12:18:00.000Z

Its strange, I started out doing long hauls and listening to music all the time. Now I keep finding myself listening to BBC Radio 4. What's worse is that I keep forming opinions on the programs, occasionally even writing stories, songs, poems and anything else you could think of in my head. What I really need is something that could transfer all the thoughts and pictures directly to a computer.

Another realisation I've come to is that I am actually a goth. I don't know when it happened, but it must've done at some point. Even when working I tend to dress as morbidly as I can. Think I'll blame Kitty for that one.

Wish I could think of something interesting to write, but at the moment I just need to write, talk, anything to stave off the stupor of driving.

Something to add, just started another blog. Anyone interested in drinking (and lets face it, in today's world which sane person isn't) and wanting to try some cocktails I'm gonna be posting one a day on the Bartop Alchemist. Hmm. Kind of a ring to that, maybe I should start a spell-a-day blog as well.

Writing again

2006-01-11T22:53:00.000Z

I've finally started writing again, sort of. Admittedly its the retelling of an old fairy tale, much older than the child-safe disneyised version most people tell today. I just got bored while sitting there during work and decided to write it down as I'd tell itt to my kids.

I'm going to have very traumatised kids.

I might have to write some more of them later.

Anyway you people, talk to me, I'm going out of my mind with boredom at work. I can even get e-mails while I'm working now so talk to me!

Blaming food

2006-01-10T15:13:00.000Z

Lots of stuff in the news over the past few days about how bad nutrition is responsible for everything. Bit of an exaggeration there, but not far off. Magical fish oil tablets will apparently solve all of our problems. Nice to have something new to blame when we act like arseholes.

Yes, alright, I'm sure there's some truth in it. On the other hand here's a simple thought: we blame all sorts of things for our behavious, but can anyone else see all of this stuff rapidly eroding the concept of free will? Soon we'll be allowed to act like shits because its not our fault. It'll be the fault of our environment, or our family, or genes or whatever else you want to name.

Surely when we have an impulse we can choose whether or not to act on it? Just because you feel hyperactive or disruptive doesn't mean you have to act it. Maybe we should be teaching self control rather thab good nutrition, less likely to break down if we miss a meal. Speaking of which, food beckons.

Strange thought

2006-01-09T20:01:00.000Z

I started wondering the other day, as you do, why it is that horse riders aren't forced to carry huge pooper scoopers. There are more thoughts along this line, such as why name pooper scoopers with such a stupid name.

I appreciate, though don't uderstand, that things that could be considered offensive have to be named with five-year-old language. After all, we can't have little Jimmy running around referring to genitalia as cocks and cunts, nope, we have to use pointless words like willy. Really, come on, why not just call it like it is? Little Jimmy'll learn eventually anyway, and it'd be easier to have "The Talk".

Looks like a busy day tomorrow, so I'm gonna eat my pizza then relax.

Joys of television

2006-01-08T15:10:00.000Z

Sitting in a hotel room watching the Simpsons and cursing the television for showing me food while I'm starving. On the other hand I did just get a new toy, lovely little PDA/phone thing which can access the internet. I now have a lifeline, so all I need is food.

Aha, that's how you lock a key in place.

Anyway my thoughts for the day: bored, television is trash, I'm horny, Simpsons is an exception to the normal rule of television, I'm gonna head home early tomorrow morning, this is getting to be a long list, I want a vast media empire and now I'm bored again.

I'm in a job I like again, even if it does occasionally wear me out or dose me with huge amounts of stress. Gonna go out for food now.

I lied, Simpsons has started again, I'll go for food in a bit. For now I'll just keep boring you all.

Nope, run out of things to say. Bored again now. Talk to me people!

Great, now I get the message saying this didn't go through last night. Sod it, sending it now anyway.

Being on time

2006-01-08T13:33:00.000Z

I reckon someone must have placed some curse on me. It seems that no matter what, when anyone other than just me is involved in getting somewhere I always become late. This is why, rather than being on my way somewhere, I'm currently outside having a cigarette rather while waiting for people to finish a game and get dressed.

Still, at least I've got my lovely leather jacket to keep me warm (an unexpected Christmas present).

Aha. People are nearly ready it seems.

Back to work

2005-12-28T19:59:00.000Z

First day back at work today, that was fun. Fortunately I managed to get my calls done quickly and was back at home by one in the afternoon, rather than having to drive for even longer through the freezing cold and snow. Currently just sitting at home relaxing while one of our mates looks at gay porn next to me. Its mildly disturbing I must admit.

Been swearing a lot at the computer lately as it just will not do what its told. Bloody useless thing. Need to get paid soon, should happen on Friday, and then down south for the weekend to spend New Years with my parents.

Nothing much to say recently. Have fun.

Oh, I lied. It snowed. Properly. I mean there was actually enough to throw at people. Been years since I've been able to do that.

Who gives a jingle balls anyway?

2005-12-24T20:30:00.000Z

Yes yes, not particularly Christmassy, I should be feeling better at this time of yeah and blah blah blah. Really though, who gives a shit? Its the same as it is year round. People who don't work and spawn lots of kids get given a third of my wages for being able to stick their cocks into other teenagers without protection. I'm paying for kids to be bullied at school and given inadequate education, for people to wait months for operations that could change their lives, for women who might be saved by a drug to be refused it, and lets not forget of course to blow up and shoot strangers I've never met.

Just such a fucking let down this year.

Actually I can pinpoint what brought this mood on, and at least a few of the factors that threw into it. Went over to visit Kitty's grandmother today, lovely old lady. While we were sitting in the front room of her house there was an accident. One car reversed into another. Bang.

I was going to go out to give my details as a witness when her grandmother and her mother stopped me. Actually stood in my way and told me I wasn't going out there.

Now I've been in that situation, where someone's reversed into me, and if you don't have a witness then essentially you're fucked. All the other driver needs to say is 'he drove into me' and the insurance company couldn't care less what actually happens unless you've got a witness.

Afterwards I was told that if there'd been a fight then some of us would've gone out and stopped it. Like fuck we would've done. They'd've stood in our way even more then.

This is meant to be the season of goodwill towards all men. Surely some of that involves just helping someone out when you can? Particularly when it won't cost you anything? Apparently not. Apparently going out to talk to someone about an accident is too dangerous.

Ah, ignore me, I'm just sexually frustrated, overtired, bored and a grumpy old humbug. Merry Christmas you all, and I wish upon all of you a better mood than mine.

Anyway I'm off to pay my respects to Papa Legba now.

Driving home for Christmas

2005-12-22T15:12:00.000Z

Since the season seems to be inevitably approaching no matter what I try and do, or how much I try to posypone it to get last-minute shopping and excuses sorted out, I may as well do a vaguely Christmassy themed post. Just got home after a 250 mile drive for work today and as usual after work, am absolutely knackered.

Okay to be fair this post is more than a little pointless as I've got nothing particularly special to report, except that there will be a new post on writings of a normal mind later tonight as I got smacked in the head by an idea while driving.

No, I don't believe in Christianity before you ask, but there's no point denying that this season is the Christmas season. Seems even less point in saying happy holidays when there's such a convenient and catchy name already available.

Oh, and our black Christmas tree looks good.

Home again, jiggetty jig

2005-12-21T20:38:00.000Z

Okay then boys and girls there's gonna be a few changes around here. First of all I'm back, gonna try and start updating again. For any of you who used to read and still do a quick update on what's happening.

I didn't meet my deadline for getting a place of my own, but I've still managed it, with a little help from my wonderful Kitty. Those of you who've read a while are probably screaming phrases along the lines of 'ai yai yai' at the ceiling at the moment, as I've pulled off my usual trick of diving straight into yet another relationship. You're probably right.

Got a job again, and working hard at it. I will be updating writings of a normal mind again soon, but the other two blogs are gone for good. Too much trouble, too many bad memories, too much blackmail material.

That's all for now really. Mainly its just to say that I'm back.

Oh, and just so you don't feel too betrayed I managed to come across (no pun intended) a nicely perverted image for you all to enjoy. Take it away dollies

So then...

2005-05-20T11:05:00.000+01:00

Right, well, not quite sure what I should say here. Me and Fox are no longer an item. Whether or not we may be in the future remains to be seen. I don't really want to go into the reasons for it, but suffice to say that the breakup was not pleasant in the slightest.

I'm actually playing around on Froogle at the moment. Its kind of interesting, especially with the wishlist thing. Now I just need to find a way to get money off people...

Gotta work out what I'm gonna do about Monday too. I really don't know at the moment. Ah dammit, I'll just focus on the Heartlands coming up and hope stuff sorts itself out.

Escape from reality

2005-05-16T00:16:00.000+01:00

There's nothing more relaxing than a weekend away from the real world, even if real world issues do intrude a little now and then. Still, I will admit that I'm very much more relaxed after the event and that it was massively enjoyed.

Even if most of my torso feels slightly sunburned from so many bite marks and hickies. If you want the full details of that, ask me in private, all I'll say here is that I apologise to the various people who were kept awake until after six in the morning by various noises. That's the two people in the other sleeping compartment of my tent, as well as the people in tents around the area.

I'd love to say more about the event but I actually can't. There's stuff I don't want people to be able to find out unfortunately, but hey, it was a LRP event. It was Maelstrom, fun, theological discussions, politicing, booze and playing around was involved. And I even got a warm night in the sleeping bag, despite the four cold feet on me.

Next weekend: Vampire. Time for yet more fun. And hopefully by the time that the Heartlands come around my various bruises will've healed. Could be interesting explaining to a job interviewer before then though why my eyes roll back a little whenever I move.

Incidentally if you're curious, various pictures from the event:
Forever's Trading Gallery
Someone else's Yahoo Gallery

Sarcastic Gothic

2005-05-06T14:52:00.000+01:00

A dark little light in the gloomy despair of life
A chance at happiness, soon to be swept away
As I realise
That while I've got an interview
If I get the job its a bloody two hour train commute

Yep, got an interview. Got two actually. One's for a job I really want to get, the other one isn't so good, but hey, its a job. You'll know if I get it because I'll be pouring free champagne for all out of your computer disk drive. I'm sure it can be done.

June then

2005-05-05T20:45:00.000+01:00

No, I'm not referring to the month. It goes back to this post the other day. June was the name of the first girlfriend mentioned in the post, I just thought that I should explain a few more things about it. This is as much because I want them off my chest as I've been thinking about them while sitting alone in a cold house trying to keep myself entertained on the computer, and I figure if I write them down maybe I can get certain memories out of my head.

I apologise to everyone, but for some reason I'm feeling extremely melancholy at the moment, and I'm dwelling on the worst moments of my life a lot of the time. Anyway, the explanations shall begin.

How I met June isn't really important, but it was at a train station when I was getting off a train while she was walking along the platform. Thud. Crash. Apologies. Got chatting for a bit as neither of us were in a rush, made friends, arranged to meet again soon for a party a friend of hers were throwing.

It was at the party we actually got together. Kind of odd really. She snapped a little, picked up a kitchen knife and was threatening to hurt people with it. I went in, grabbed her and pinned her arms down. At that point she kissed me.

My relationship with her was interesting, completely mutually self-destructive. Playing around with stuff we shouldn't have done, hurting each other, hurting ourselves, driving ourselves mad. And then she phoned me one night and told me that she couldn't see me any more. I found out why a few months afterwards.

June had told me that she'd had problems with her father, but not what. Her father had abused her as a child, and she'd never told anyone. Eventually her father was jailed for something different, and she moved away. Then he got out of jail, and it was a few nights after that she'd phoned me. He'd tracked her down and raped her. She committed suicide soon after she'd phoned me.

Of course I was too furious and hurt to think that there might be reasons. Tried phoning her, never any answer, eventually I gave up. Finally I was told what happened.

Maybe that explains a little more about me, I dunno. I just needed it out there.

Too much of a slut?

2005-05-05T10:57:00.000+01:00

Apparently I come up on the first page if you do a google search for Woking (my home town) and sluts. I'm sure this can't be a good thing, there must be plenty of people out there in Woking infinitely worse than I am. Still, combined with my purity test result a little while ago this doesn't look good.

I'm considering getting plastic surgery and changing my name, can anyone here get me a fake ID?

Major events

2005-05-05T00:17:00.000+01:00

Today I was bored, cold, a little melancholy and thinking back over times gone, and realised there are certain major events that have in a way defined my life and shaped a lot of it.

Bullying at school probably started it all, yeah, everyone gets it. No, I wasn't bullied much more than most boffs, geeks, nerds, whatever you want to call those who don't try and fight back. Maybe I handled it different, I don't know. Basically what the bullying did though was convinced me to agree with them. Sure, I could put a nice brave smile on, or rather a completely straight, stony face not showing anything, but secretly I agreed with them. Hell, I still do. Bullying gave me a nice healthy dose of self-loathing, and taught me that it doesn't matter what you're feeling like, you don't let people see anything other than what you want them to. Lovely.

Then we get towards the end of school, where the first major drama comes in. I met a girlfriend, technically the girlfriend I guess. My first screw, plus a lot more. She fucked me up nicely, she was a severe sado-masochist, with even more self-hatred issues than I had. We reinforced each others worst aspects, and played off each other. I suspect if the relationship had continued too much longer we'd have ended up in a suicide pact, as it was only she committed suicide. A few people may know the full details of why that happened, but anyone else can ask. I'll probably tell you, I'm past the hurting stage of it.

Move on a year or so to the end of school, and there you go, my first actual brush with my own death. Someone tries to knife me. In the town centre, at night, one of the school bullies draws a knife on me and tries to put it in me. The scar has healed, but again it reinforced my sense of self-hatred, only thing holding it in check at that point was that I had too strong a survival instinct to do anything.

College was fairly neutral, there were other dramas throughout, but none which really made that much of a difference to me. I took a gap year out, working in a book shop and spending all of my money on books, as well as working in a bar. I also met someone. This someone would eventually be the person I married. Now there was something that really shaped me, and taught me a lot about myself. Taught me that I could ignore feelings about things for only so long, that I could feel absolutely no guilt for actions against certain people, that I was not even remotely trustworthy, and a lot more. You can imagine what that did for my self-image. The only benefit that came out of the time she was in America and I was in England was that I actually started to feel mildly attractive, that I could at least give something to people.

Then the marriage actually happened. Probably most of you know how that panned out, I was at university, and she wasn't. She would stay at home, stay in bed until after mid day, and do fuck all. For the first eight months after moving to England she didn't even bother looking for jobs. After a time I'd had enough, I just couldn't take it. There was more than that though, but some of that still hurts me so I'll leave it. I asked her to find her own place and leave. Eventually she did.

Before she left I'd tried to kill myself, three times in total. I'd also gone back to the self-harming that the first girlfriend had got me into. One of the attempts involved more than sixty paracetemol, and eighteen ibuprofen for good measure. Not only did it fail, but none of the drugs, not even a trace, showed up in my blood stream when I finally went to the hospital. The sort of effect that had on me I can't even begin to describe.

And now we come to more recent times, I have Fox, someone I actually have genuine feelings for, and I'm piecing myself together over time. She's helping a lot more than she'll ever know, as are friends and family. People I talk to online help, without knowing it, people I meet randomly give me little boosts that help.

Right, now that I'm done writing as though I'm an inspirational speaker there you go. Those are the major events that I believe shaped me to be the way I am, there may be others left out but really, those are the ones that matter to me.

Oh, and Fox, you'll never know how much you helped just by that first pounce.

Corrupt, moi?

2005-05-04T17:41:00.000+01:00

I'm not corrupt, people just become corrupt around me.

PURITY:

9% sexually pure
40% substance abuse purity
12% moral purity

Well done! The higher your scores, the more "pure" you are. The lower, the more you've experienced.

This test was about done deeds, so your numbers will never climb. [It's interesting to think they all started at 100%.] But will your purity continue to fall? Will you OUTGROW or will you OUTDO your past experiences? It's up to you.

Advisory:

Don't date anyone if your moral purities differ by more than 30%.

Dunno what Sascha's is yet, but I'm worried she might have some morals left. Still, I can always work those out of her.

Don't run a business with anyone if your substance purities differ by more than 40%.

Unless they're completely squeaky clean I'm probably relatively safe on that one.

Do be friends with someone who has less than 1/2 your sex purity. You'll enjoy their colorful company.

Right...because I'm gonna find someone with less sexual purity than me. Uh huh. Still, anyone want to be my friend?

Note: as for the "TOTAL" purity value - that's a weighted combination of your scores, indicating what a typical purity test might say about you.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 19% on substance

You scored higher than 0% on sex

You scored higher than 0% on moral

You scored higher than 1% on TOTAL

Link: The 3-Variable Purity Test written by chriscoyne on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Sooo sleepy

2005-04-29T00:10:00.000+01:00

Up at half past midnight again, though hopefully off to bed soon. After this weekend I'm gonna stop doing this, and Fox is gonna stop too.

Yes, you are. You are going to come to bed before midnight, since sleep dep is driving us both mad.

Still looking forward to LRP at least, even if only as a chance to get some sleep.

Should be fun though, gonna be trying to run a Stuperpowers game on the way up, largely to keep myself conscious.

Gotta ask someone, does anyone else just fail completely to dream? I'm not talking about just one or two nights a week, I think I may have had two or three dreams in my entire life, plus a handful brought on by sleeping tablets that gave me nightmares.

Talented

2005-04-27T22:38:00.000+01:00

I am now quite impressed, Fox just managed to sew her costume together while she was wearing it. She insisted that if she could do it she'd get a mention in my blog, so there you go.

Well, that was simple.

The course is nearly over now, thank god, test tomorrow, then some sort of thing on Friday, and then I get to go and pretend to be a somewhat psychotic anthromorphic fox for several days before I have to come back to reality.

And there will be mead, oh yes.

I still want more answers to the question from the other day though.

Aura of chompability

2005-04-24T21:26:00.000+01:00

According to my girlfriend, a friend of mine, another friend of mine, a third friend, and several other people including a handful of random people I radiate an aura of compability. Something about me just makes girls, and the occasional guy, have a desire to bite me. The most common method for doing this is to jump me, pin me, and bite my neck. Now its not that I'm complaining, but there are just times it gets a little inconvenient so I have a question to ask.

Is there some sort of deoderant or something to prevent this, and do I also radiate this aura online or is it just in real life?

Morning?

2005-04-24T11:25:00.000+01:00

Wow. Its morning, on a Sunday, and I'm out of bed. Something is seriously wrong here, I'm out of bed before midday on Sunday. I think I must be ill. Worse than that I'm even doing stuff.

Still, most of that stuff consists of eating a chocolate cake with butter icing (not that I need more sugar, I'm already light-headed), and trying to convert people. Speaking of which is there anyone here who lives in England and wants to take up LRP?

Okay leaving now, gotta buy Fox new trousers as her last pair got kind of torn.

Oops.

Burning out

2005-04-20T22:59:00.000+01:00

Not as bad as I'm making it sound, but I am kinda burning out a little. I think its the regular runs up to London without anything to show for it but the stink of rush-hour, and hair that sits back even when I pull the pony tail out. Apparently there are pictures of me with my hair back, and in a suit, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with this, I can't help but feel it goes against the very essence of my being.

I do have my tie though, my tie is good. Its got rabbits on it.

And I get a chance to read on the train each day, though sitting down would be a nice touch as well. I dunno though, I just don't feel like doing stuff when I get home yet somehow can't stop doing things like basic cleaning, cooking, anything to be doing something. Must be insanity brought on by too much training. If only they'd stop teaching me stuff I already know and get on with the stuff I want to learn, or just give up and find me a job. Bleh.

Been roleplaying more, been thinking more about religion, magic and various things of that sort. Typical eh? I get onto a training course for computers, and start reconsidering mystical claptrap. Yes I can call it claptrap, bullshit, rubbish, whatever I want. Whether I believe in it or not has nothing to do with my opinion of it.

Anyway getting late, and I've got to be up early tomorrow, so off to bed now.

Or not until this song is over maybe. Just discovered Ma Baker by Boney M or whoever it was, good song. Watching Fox make LRP costumes at the moment, still getting worried about what she'll make me wear when I'm playing the male feline whore. Ah well it should be interesting at least.

Right, bored now and off to bed. Sweet dreams y'all. E-mail me if you're bored, I need more people to talk to than the locals.

Day off

2005-04-10T01:03:00.000+01:00

As much as I must admit that it's nice to have a day's break from having to commute up to London, I miss having a structure enforced on me. Mainly this is because without being forced to do something by having some form of obligation for it, whether because I'm getting paid, or because its a commitment, or something else, I find it incredibly difficult to bring myself to do anything. Oddly enough anything can be a commitment, so long as I've said I'll do it, but there are different levels of it.

Not really done much today, cooked lots of pancakes for lunch and I'm now getting depressed about my waistline, and the ever-growing stomach-located bulge I have. I hate to say it, but I'm seriously considering dieting soon if we can't start getting to regular gym sessions or martial arts classes or whatever. I feel like I'm slowly turning into a potato, really depressing.

Lots of LARP coming up which is fantastic, in fact I think there's a LARP event at least once every fortnight from the time this course finishes for the next four or five months. We're also working on our own system, albeit rather slowly and with a wandering, bimbling method rather than specific aims. Would be nice to get a decent LARP running locally though.

Finally off to bed soon, Fox is just hanging up the phone, then we sleep. Sleep is good, though not so good if you're Fox and the two of us are sleeping on twin beds pushed together. So far she's been eaten by them three times, dissappearing from sight rapidly. What adds to the fun is that we're sleeping in a double sleeping bag, so when she falls down, I get dragged down too. Hmm, there's extra meaning there I think. Must try to avoid considering that too much.

Blond conspiracy

2005-04-07T20:13:00.000+01:00

I got a new pet, its down on the right hand side. I'll trade it for a life if anyone's got one going spare.

Now onto my blonde conspiracy theory, I'm sure this is the case. This article basically says that lots of sex will make nerve cells grow and nurture those you already have. Shall we look at the two stereotypical ideals about blondes?

1. Sluts
2. Dumb

Now something here's definitely wrong, if sex essentially makes you smarter then surely sluts are among the smartest people in the world. Hell, I should be a genius. Yet everyone seems to have this idea that people who have lots of sex are, to put it simply, dumb as pig shit. Something is very wrong here.

My personal theory is that the dumb thing is an idea put around by us blondes, or rather those of us who've figured out what's really going on. We don't want everyone else to be as smart as us, or to get as much sex, and so we put around the idea that being sluts is a bad thing and that being blond is an automatic ticket to the dunce's corner. Neither's actually true, but if you really believe it then you won't notice when blonde people take over the world and have regular massive orgies to increase our intelligence.

I can dream. Fox, c'mere, I wanna up my IQ.

Now that's fast service

2005-04-05T22:22:00.000+01:00

This training I'm on has a job guarantee thing, one of those 'we don't get paid until you have a job' things. Its not too bad actually, they guarantee certain things about the job, such as a minimum salary of £15000 and that it'll be within 50 miles of where you live. Not too bad at all.

Half-way through the lesson today I get a phone call. When I call back I find out its from some IT contracting company who found my CV god knows where and want to offer me an interview for a two month contract, paying £10/hour. If it weren't just the two month thing I'd take it without hesitating, but there you go. Still, at least I know I'm not completely unhirable due to age and circumstances.

I've also come to the conclusion I'm not really cut out for commuting, or at least not by train, when Fox isn't on the train with me I tend to slip into daydreams. If you're wondering they're this sort of daydream. I'm not sex obsessed, honest, its just there's nothing better to think about when you're crammed in like cattle. Any other thoughts I have tend to be depressing and involve comparisons between commuters and herds of cattle.

Training

2005-04-04T22:36:00.000+01:00

Well the course is actually turning out to be much better than I expected, though it would be nice if they covered something I didn't already know tomorrow. I'm not being arrogant here, its just that even though I've got no formal qualifications I've been using computers since I was four years old. I wrote my first 'hello world' program when I was seven. I don't need someone to explain to me how to use DOS.

Hell, even though the guy's older than me I was probably using DOS before he knew what a computer really was.

Don't let me mislead you though, the course seems good so far, I've certainly not found anything to object massively to yet. All seems to be fairly practically based and blah blah blah.

Unfortunately I have to wear a suit, and worse, have my hair tied back. My hair is my security blanket, my shield against the world, without it I feel suprisingly naked. I didn't think it would actually feel strange not to have strands of hair falling across my eyes, but for some reason I feel more insecure with it pulled back rather than hanging free. Having to wear a proper suit and tie doesn't really help either.

Either way, for the next four weeks I have to be up at six thirty, and in London by nine o'clock, with an expected return time of somewhere between six and seven. Not my biggest dream, but its only for four weeks, even if I will miss having Fox around so much.

Hmm, guess I've not really done what I promised in yesterday's post and explained stuff. Maybe I'll do it later.

Revival

2005-04-03T00:21:00.000+01:00

Dammit, I hate it when this happens. See now I'm gonna have to retract all of my anti-religious comments. To be more accurate I'm going to have to retract some of my anti-religious comments. Its not so much that I've been converted, more that I've been prodded into remembering that the practices I already go through on occasion are already part of a religion, or at a mish-mash of various pagan and heathen traditions.

Bleh, I'm not quite saying this right. I'm gonna blame tiredness I think, but anyway, the basic resolution is that I can no longer say with any firm conviction that I'm an atheist. Or I suppose I can, since I don't specifically believe in a god, or even gods. Its somewhat less structured than that. I'm really not explaining well.

I've gone back to some older practices of mine. Not hugely older, but things I'd shoved firmly to one side for some time. There are reasons behind this, ranging from personal tragedy to sendings essentially screwing up.

Anyway I'll explain more later, anyone got any questions, just ask.

LARP

2005-03-29T00:11:00.000+01:00

Just got back from LARP so I'm absolutely knackered and this'll be fairly short, as I'm off for a bath in a bit. Just finished showering to get the last of the black makeup off my face, and the rest of the silver hair dye out of my hair, and now I plan to relax for a while. A long while. No, longer than that.

There will be humiliating pictures of me in costume, looking apparently like some anime character. I get to play an immortal angel who's been around since the dawn of time and taught all of those dumb monkeys how to speak. Unfortunately I got rather pissed off with being the Gods' slave and quit. Not a wise choice as a whole bunch of other immortal servants of the Gods, still loyal, regularly come after us Fallen and destroy our bodies. You have no idea how much that stings.

LARP is fun, will have more later and pictures soon.

Life, don't talk to me about life

2005-03-23T20:48:00.000Z

Okay so I'm over the depressed not writing in my blog thing and back to the wanting to vent my most private inner thoughts and emotions exhibitionistically to the world. So here we go, what's been happening in my downtime?

Not much to be honest. Done costumes for both myself and Fox. Well, more accurate would be to say that she's done the costumes and I've handed her thread now and then and paid for the cloth. Beautiful costumes though, I'll get pictures up as soon as I can. I'd like to think that I look nicely sinister in mine though I suspect I look more shapeless blob-like.

Anyway other stuff, we're off to an event this weekend and Fox is currently madly baking cookies. I've taken up roleplaying again, tabletop that is, I never stopped LRP and am running Cyberpunk 2020 at the local game shop on Monday nights. Next Monday's a bust of course, since its a bank holiday, but I'll probably try and organise something.

So I'm over the distress at losing my job, pretty much, though still not happy about it. Job-hunting desperately, I've sent out over twenty CVs through the post, and more through e-mail and suchlike, so hopefully there'll be something. Admittedly all I've got so far is silence, but I can hope.

Nice to see you all again.

Yesterday's horoscope

2005-03-09T14:04:00.000Z

Well I suppose you could say that yesterday's horoscope was accurate. I managed to lose my job, does that count as being appreciated or given an award? I don't really feel like writing more right now, don't worry, I'm not depressed, just tired and don't particularly want to go back on the job hunting thing, particularly since I can't even get benefits because of the leech, uh, wife.

Horrorscope

2005-03-08T13:02:00.000Z

The planetary energy could bring some heart-felt appreciation or admiration your way today, Bunny. You might be presented with an honor such as a career award or a plaque. Or you could be treated to an elaborate dinner by friends or admirers. You'll feel good about yourself and your accomplishments. It will be great to receive compliments and appreciation for your efforts!

Well this is my horoscope for the day according to MSN, kinda dull really. What joy, the planetary energy's bringing me some appreciation or admiration. Nothing new there, I've got used to the admiration at work, what I could do with would be less of it from the students. And oh, licky me, a career award or plaque. Firstly nope, I'm not gonna get one, and secondly if I ever do I will use it to beat the person who's awarded me with it to death. Gimme a raise, not some award that means nothing and I'm never going to use.

Now I'm curious about what my astrological profile is supposed to be. Lets have a look. This is apparently how I approach life:

Cautious, prudent, and rather self-contained, you are a person who approaches life realistically and who is not inclined to take foolish chances or get carried away by the overly optimistic or idealistic schemes of starry-eyed dreamers. In fact, you frequently have a jaundiced view of such things. You are rather worldly-wise at a fairly young age, even something of a cynic. Often the world doesn't seem like a safe, friendly place to you, and you tend to approach life in a guarded, conservative manner. You are generally calculating and careful, and are rarely spontaneous, fluid, open, and childlike.

Heh. Interesting. Especially when you consider what my real motivation and inner self is supposed to be.

You are, in many ways, an eternal child. Your mind is bright, alert, curious, flexible, playful, and always eager for new experiences - and your attention span is often quite brief. You grasp ideas quickly and once your initial curiosity has been satisfied, you want to go on to something else. You crave frequent change, variety, meeting new situations and people.

Ah well, that's life. Both of those are from the same site of course. No wonder I don't believe in fortune-telling.

Novel pledge

2005-03-07T10:23:00.000Z

Right, I'm gonna give it a try. People keep telling me that my writing's quite good, though I personally disagree. The main problem is I just can't stick with an idea long enough to write a full story.

Well now I'm going to try. I don't know what it'll be about yet, or anything else, but I have vowed that by the end of 2006 I will have a full-length novel written and ready to be repeatedly rejected by publishers.

Hmm, I think this cough syrup must be making me high. Ah well, its a good ambition to try for.

Ug, don't you hate that feeling when you cough and end up with a mouthful of phlegm, and you can't swallow it because there's too much? Sorry to give you the disgusting details of my illness.

Anyway, as this is a bit short, have a quiz too:

You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're really cheesy! Have fun with the entire football team.

If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

Me as a barbie, apparently. Anyone suprised?

The wife again

2005-03-06T10:41:00.000Z

Just sent a little e-mail to the wife, I won't post the actual letter here, but if you'd like to see the subtext then here you go:

Hello leech

I'm fed up of paying most of my money each month to clear debts that you ran up, I mean really, truly pissed off with it. I've had enough. So basically you've got one last chance to get your act together, get a job, and start sending me the money you owe me. I've been understanding far too long. I've now paid off nearly £4000 off the debts, while you quietly enjoy fucking your new boyfriend and leeching off him.

I've got no complaints about you screwing someone else, actually glad to hear about it, but if you don't get yourself in order then I'm going to take you to court, get my money however I can, and see that you get kicked out of the country. Sorry, but you've stretched my patience to the limit.

Fortunately it was co-erced by Fox into something much, much more polite. Then again most of my friends have turned their back on me because of my kicking her out, so its not as if I've really got anything else to lose except my temper.

On a happier note we're off to the Chinese buffet for mother's day lunch.

And I've just got a black eye from Fox after she stood up, and caught me in the eye with her hand. Lovely.

Bio-jewelry

2005-03-05T10:25:00.000Z

There's this thing that a couple of people are working on, simplified it involves fashioning jewelry out of genetically engineered bone. Specifically the genetically engineered bone of two people in a relationship. Some people have said that this is somehow sick, twisted, disgusting, wrong, and all sorts of other lovely objectionable adjectives. I don't see the problem with it.

I mean sure if they were gonna cut out a chunk of your bone in order to do it and then shape the rings out of that I might see what the problem is, but they're not. I'm sure the genetic engineering activists have their own reasons for objecting to it, after all, can't let medical technology advance now, can we?

Anyway basically me and Fox are among quite a number of couples who have applied for this. Most likely we won't get it, but wish us luck anyway.

Oh and the website is here. If you read New Scientist they apparently had an article in there recently.

Sexual taboos

2005-03-04T18:50:00.000Z

What is it with sexual taboos, I mean really, what's the point? Who decides that one thing is right, and one thing is wrong and shouldn't be talked about. I'm perfectly happy to talk about anything, a couple of things I'm not willing to try I'll admit, but I've got no problem with other people being into them or trying them. And I've definitely got no problem talking about them, while there's a handful of things I won't try, I'm still bloody curious.

Its the same thing with clothes, I mean why is it that one sort of clothing is considered okay, and another is considered rebellious? Or anything else for that matter. Drifting off the topic a bit I know, but there you go.

So a quick question for you all, what do you consider to be taboo, whether sexually or anything else?

I think part of the reason I don't really have any nowadays might be to do with my first year of uni. Sharing a house with five female student nurses will get you told a lot of things.

Seven sins

2005-03-03T15:12:00.000Z

You scored as Lust.

Lust

100%

Pride

63%

Wrath

63%

Sloth

38%

Gluttony

25%

Greed

25%

Envy

19%

Seven deadly sins
created with QuizFarm.com

Lets be honest, does this suprise anyone who knows me? To be honest though I was half expecting wrath. Anyway, its been a quiet day used up all my inspiration putting up a post here on my creative writing blog, and here on my filthy, depraved sex blog.

Bored out of my mind, wanna go home, but got at least an hour to go. Bugger.

Self-indulgent rant

2005-03-02T11:17:00.000Z

I'm gonna be self-indulgent yet again, and rant about something in my personal life. As some of you probably know, I am married, and seperated from my wife. There are various reasons for this.

However she managed to run up about £10 000 in debt over the course of the time we were married, refused to do any real job hunting for about eight months while I was in university until I finally quit since I just couldn't afford it any more, rarely got out of bed before midday, and spent her entire time on her laptop browsing the internet once she did get out of bed.

She has a blog, which I occasionally read. She's now found herself someone new to leech off, which is fine, except that me and her came to an agreement that she would pay something towards the debts she ran up more than half of. We agreed that every month she would pay £100 to me. Its hardly taxing, especially considering that each month £350 of my wages go towards the debt to try and clear it.

Yet did she do this? Well yes, she did. Once. She then cancelled the standing order without warning me, and in fact without telling me until I found out a couple of days after the money had been taken from my account (£450, since I thought I had her extra £100), leaving me with practically no money for that month. In the end I ate rice or pasta plain for that month, and had to beg money for petrol from people.

Now this girl still hasn't got a job. She did have a job at the post office for a while, which she lost due to too many sick days. She did have a temp job in the place she's moved to, which she went to a couple of times, and then stopped. I've got the phone number for a solicitor, but of course if I bring in the lawyers to this then I'm going to be even more of the bad guy than I am already. Of course since I've lost all of the friends who did see me as the bad guy already I guess I'm not really losing out on anything.

Anyway, the point of this rant is this: I just found out that her new money provider got her a computer for her birthday. Fine and dandy. Except she has a laptop. I'm tempted to ask to take the laptop in lieu of payment, but doubt she'll agree. She also has a £100 digital camcorder bought with my money, that I doubt I'll see ever again, along with various other things.

She does however have a life insurance policy, and I'm the beneficiary. I'm hoping she'll change it quickly before the temptation to kill several birds with one stone gets too much for me.

Only kidding on that last bit. I think.

Announcement

2005-03-01T19:14:00.000Z

A little announcement I think some might be interested in, others might not. Either way its something I should say.

Something which some of you will know and others won't, me and Fox are planning to be handfasted on our one year anniversary. This will be at the Gathering of Nations 2005. It'll be a fairly small ceremony for some friends of ours.

And for those of you who don't know handfasting is an old custom, usually pagan although also atheist. A handfasted couple are effectively married, for a year, after which they either marry, renew the handfasting, or let it drift off. I'm going for one of the first two options.

So, feel free to comment with suggestions, criticisms, comments, or even better congratulations. There will be pictures of the ceremony when it comes about, and this blog'll be back to the inconsequential soon.

Bashing boy racers

2005-02-28T22:38:00.000Z

Me and Fox picked up a friend of ours from work last night, and while driving back encountered a couple of boy racers. Now these kids evidently decided to try and impress the two attractive girls in the car with me. So what did they do? Revved their engine as loudly as they could.

Our group response, bursting into hysterics as this crappy little car next to us nearly tore its engine out while they revved it. Evidently they didn't think this was having the desired effect, as their next effort was to wind down their window and put on their stereo, evidently trying to blast us into submission with overloud hip-hop music. I hate hip hop.

And this was when we discovered how to piss off a couple of boy racers, Fox turned, looked at them, grinned, and then turned back to me and put her head in my lap. Since we had someone else in the car they didn't actually do anything, but their expression as I smirked at them for a moment was absolutely priceless.

So they roared off at high speed as soon as the traffic lights changed, their crappy little 1.5 litre engine going full out. I should point out now that I drive a Renault Kangoo, its basically a van, however its also got a fairly decent engine. I decided not to bother trying to race them.

But yeah, boy racers are fun, almost makes me hope we meet some more sometime.

My Exorcism

2005-02-26T23:26:00.000Z

Yep, this is a genuinely true story. It happened in America, suprisingly enough, with a street-side evangelist. Ready?

Walking along the street I saw this guy, bellowing out his message of Christ and love to the world. Well, to be more accurate he was bellowing out a method of hatred and intolerance against people with sexual practices he found distasteful. This wasn't merely homosexuals, though likely my reaction would've been the same, but anyone who did anything other than the missionary position purely for recreation.

Everyone else was pretty much ignoring him, wisely, but I was bored so I decided to try talking to him. My first question was simple 'Why are you preaching hatred against a particular group of people when the major method that your saviour preached was love?'

'Well, read the old testament, and take this pamphlet.'

'Uh, no, because the new testament invalidates the old. That's kinda the point of it, Christ was supposed to be a new beginning for all, so why're you so desperately clinging onto the hatred?'

'What right have you got to question me? I went to theology college, I've studied this for years, I've...'

'You've got it all fucked up in your head because you're full of hatred for things that you either don't understand, or because you envy the people who can do it but can't bring yourself to work against the bigotry driven into your system by your years of study?'

At this point he went silent for a minute. Following this he decided I was a demon, and tried to exorcise me. I walked away laughing. As far as I know he still thinks I'm a demon, and is promoting his lovely little hatred. Have to admit though being exorcised was fun, I wanna try it again. I'm only mildly worried it'll work. I'm fairly sure it won't.

A meme

2005-02-23T17:15:00.000Z

Sorry to do another cop-out, but my head's still stuffed with cotton wool. This time though I've decided to swipe a meme from a certain person's livejournal. Yes, she has a livejournal as well as a blog, she's just as much an addict as me. Anyway, this is a question for anyone who's interested to answer.

Basically the idea is nice and simple, you wake up after a drunken night, you can remember nothing. You look over your shoulder and I'm asleep beside you. What do you say or how do you react, and none of the gnawing arms please, I've already got a huge pile of arms from people who chewed theirs off to escape without waking me.

And while I'm being vain and poorly, here you go. Hot-or-not linky windowy thingy at the side. Might even help you decide on your answers. Bear in mind I'm ill and much in need of ego-boosting and sympathetic voting.

Bloody flu

2005-02-22T21:11:00.000Z

I hate being ill, really, really hate being ill. I've got that lovely head full of cotton wool sensation, only more so. Maybe steel wool would be a better description. My nose won't stop running, I'm simultaneously freezing and boiling, I feel too weak to even lift my arms, my eyes are sore, and my throat is agonising. What joy.

I should probably be asleep but I've got a few things I want to do. Firstly I'm trying to think of something to put up on my other blogs. Befitting Desires should be fine soon as Fox is working on some more porno-style artwork for me which'll give me a story to write about. The one I'm worried about is my writing blog as I generally keep a few day's worth of buffer content for it, and tomorrow's the last day of buffer I've got. Any story ideas would be greatly appreciated.

I'm also trying to sort out game stuff, and people are trying to persuade me to publish one of my home-brewed RPG games.

Bleh, I'm not sure how well this is hanging together at all so I'll cut my losses while I've still got some cognitive function and go play a game instead.

Sluts

2005-02-21T10:27:00.000Z

Okay, so what's wrong with this? Well personally I don't think anything is, there's nothing wrong with being a slut. Sure, technically I don't fit the standard definition any more since I'm in a monogamous relationship, but I still don't see anything wrong with sluts.

Of course, there's a difference between sluts who sleep around for fun, or because they enjoy it, or for some sort of purpose, and those who're simply too weak-willed not to. But really I don't see anything wrong with either type. I hate the way that if someone's promiscuous they're looked down on, or looked up to if they're male. Not simply because of the double standard, but also because they're just people, kinda like everyone else. The only difference is they acknowledge their sex drive, and generally have fewer hangups about sex in general.

Anyway, that's the rant of the day over. Vamp was fun, went well, lots of stuff was sorted out for the twisted giovanni twins, so both me and Fox are happy about that.

Not really anything else going on that I can think of, though I'll be sticking some sort of personally quiz up here in a little while. Something I'm gonna be working on for a game.

Artwork

2005-02-20T09:32:00.000Z

I will quite happily admit that I don't get turned on by porn, if anything I just find it funny. Sure I can enjoy watching it, particularly with people, but its just not a turn-on. Erotic art and stories on the other hand are a different matter, I don't know why, it might be because porn tends to try to be taboo, and I find that funny more than anything, or it might be something else. Erotica on the other hand makes no qualms about what it is, it doesn't pretend to be anything other than what it is.

Anyway, this comes up because Fox has been drawing stuff for me, and I've been coming up with stories to go with it. The first of these is now up on Befitting Desires, our sex blog. Not much point to this entry I guess, but I wanted to plug BD a little.

Changing the topic I actually got a chance to run a game last night. Ended up running d20 Macho Women With Guns. Its a spoof game, and designed to be plain silly, but everyone seemed to enjoy it, including the n00b. Dammit, now I don't have an excuse to hurt him, something about him just rubs me the wrong way. Anyway though, the game went fairly well, better than I was expecting, and finished before midnight.

Now, since Fox is lying naked in bed next to me I'll be getting back to playing.

Personality test

2005-02-19T23:00:00.000Z

Okay, okay, so its another quiz. I dunno, just another one I found and liked the look of. I'm sorry people. I'll do a proper entry soon, I pwomise. I'll stop copping out.

Wackiness: 62/100
Rationality: 38/100
Constructiveness: 50/100
Leadership: 62/100

You are a WEDL--Wacky Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a Anarchist.

You don't give a damn. When push comes to shove, you just forget about it--it's just not worth the heartache. What this means for others is that dealing with you can be aggravating, because they find they can't get you motivated about things they care about. What this means for you is that you are happier, calmer, and saner then they are on their best days.

You are near-immune to criticism, and those who know you well acknowledge and respect that. You may come across as lazy, but the truth is that you find little to get worked up about. Regardless, you have slews of friends, because they are fascinated by your world view, jealous of your lifestyle, and drawn to the fact that you are hilarious to be around.

You are a pillar in a sea of hot-bloodedness. You have a sweet tooth.

Of the 96865 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 2.9 % are this type.

Lunch is coming

2005-02-18T12:09:00.000Z

So I'm sitting here just waiting quietly for lunch and wasting time as usual. Browsing blogs on BlogExplosion and BlogAzoo is interesting I guess, but so few of them seem to be able to hold me beyond the first entry, or have anything I want to comment on. Still, I'm getting some visitors out of it, though whether that's good or bad I don't know. Could always do with more life-affirming comments I guess, or better would be a few religious fundamentalists telling me I'm a sinner and going to hell, not got any of those yet.

Today is our easy day, since the cablers still haven't been in. Unfortunately that does mean that I'll have to come in tomorrow for some ridiculous amount of time to try and get the room completely set up. Not really any other news I guess. Planning to go swimming tonight, not quite sure when, probably nice and late.

Oh, and as you may've noticed I've stuck a little tagboard on the side there. More for curiousity than anything. I enjoy getting a reaction from people, so react already!

And last but not least, I've hit writer's block . You may've guessed this already. I need ideas, caffeine, and sugar, but mostly ideas. If you've got them for any of my blogs feel free to drop them on me. Preferably from a great height.

Exhibitionist

2005-02-17T23:39:00.000Z

I've just stuck hit tracking on this thing, and I found something. I've been found by a search engine, altavista in fact, by someone searching for exhibitionism. I'm not sure exactly how to feel about this, possibly slightly ashamed that I had to dissappoint them so. Therefore, in the spirit of fair play, I hope to make up for the false advertising in my blog description with a few examples of my exhibitionistic nature.

Me and Fox regularly have sex on webcam, for complete strangers to view. We also have sex on the hard shoulder of motorways quite regularly, across the front of the car when its warm enough, or just on the seats at other times. Add to this car-parks and suchlike, and occasionally lifts, escalators, and so on. We're working on adding to the list, but the problem is trying to balance the thrill with the risk of getting caught.

Actually its odd, but one of the things I would love to happen would be for the two of us to just be walking through town, and for a perfect stranger to come up to us and just say "I've seen you two fuck." Does that make me sick?

Sense of humour

2005-02-17T12:07:00.000Z

You know, I really don't like putting up quizzes, but this one I felt was disturbingly accurate. I'm sure people who actually know me will disagree intensely with this one, but its the sense of humour I'd like to have at least.

From this page.

Sunny/Dark: 7/10
drY/Gross: 1/10
Traditional/Offbeat: 6/10
Active/Passive: 4/10

You are a DYO--Dark Dry Offbeat. This makes you a Neurotic.

You are acerbic, cynical and can smile while you're tearing someone apart. You efface others as you would be effaced yourself, and no topic is taboo -- rape, renal failure, the Challenger explosion (Christa McAuliffe so-o-o had it coming). You like characters as quirky and upsetting as yourself. You are Dorothy Parker minus the Ayn Rand aesthetic. I have some friends like you, and they're funny as all hell.

You would watch The Day After and heckle the fashion.

You might like Seinfeld (and Curb Your Enthusiasm), the Fey/Fallon Weekend Update segments, Mean Girls, and anything Michael Ian Black is doing (VH-1 specials, Viva Variety, The State, flossing).

Of the 14517 people who have taken this quiz, 3.6 % are this type.

Your Active humor score of 4/10 means you're a yellow dash of comedy down the middle of the humorous road. You prefer to listen than to be the center of attention, inserting funny observations and comments rather than driving the herd. That's cool. Just remember that the quantity of funny you provide tends to make people think you're up to something.

Huge tent

2005-02-17T10:37:00.000Z

Well, this is our new tent. As yet its unchristened its only been put up inside and we didn't have a chance to have sex in it yet. Maybe later. So this is what we'll be taking with us to events, and to Witchycon. Looks nice, doesn't it? Of course, its not fully up. Apparently it can sleep six people, with three in each compartment, so as one of my parents rather disturbingly commented "that's two menage-a-trois then". Ah well, should be interesting anyway.

And for anyone wondering what I do at work all day, since I post so much, and as some of you know I spend most of my day on messenger I've just spent the last hour or so justifying my paycheck.

Every single bloody one of those boxes was carried down a very rickety ladder from a freezing loft, by me. They were then carried down two flights of stairs, out to a transit van, driven less than 100 yards and then carried back in, up one flight of stairs, and piled as you now see them. Half of those forty boxes contain monitors, the other half contain computers. As you can imaging they're fairly heavy. I now feel knackered and am mainlining caffeine and sugar to restore my waking state before I pass out. Too late. Night all.

Human worth

2005-02-16T10:19:00.000Z

I am worth $2,656,098.00 on HumanForSale.com

Wouldn't it be great if everyone walked around with a little price sheet. I mean, lets say it was just assumed that people would do things for financial gain. I know I would. So what would be wrong with, say, me walking around and being completely honest about what I'd do for money? It would certainly make it more likely I'd get some, which would be fantastic since I'm desperately poor at the moment.

And for that matter what would you do for money? Given certain assurances there's very little I wouldn't do. I wouldn't be willing to do anything with a more than acceptable risk of permanent personal injury (temporary is fine, those heal), or with more than acceptable risk of arrest if caught. There are other limits of course, there always are, but I'm human after all.

So, am I mercenary for being willing to do pretty much anything for money? Is there something immoral about it? If I had enough money to feed myself, buy my own place and basically live comfortably I don't think I could be convinced to do some of the more extreme stuff, but at the moment I really do need the money.

Foolish optimism

2005-02-15T15:15:00.000Z

Sitting on an empty tube carriage, swaying back and forth, I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like if the world were falling apart. I've never been in an earthquake, but I can just imagine this might be how it would be. The ground shifting under your feet, refusing to give you the stable platform it always has, occasional moments of peace and then it starts up again. Merely trying to talk to someone becomes a trial due to the simple volume of the movement.

Using the mouse on this thing has become pretty much pointless, I just can't steady my hand enough against the movement of the train. What would it feel like if the world were truly ending? How would we all deal with it. I can honestly say that I have no idea how I'd react. Would I snap and go on a mad killing spree, trying to deal with all of those who've hurt me or tried to damage me? Would I curl up in bed with the person I love and see the world out with orgasm after orgasm? Maybe just a little bit of peace as it finally all falls apart, just watching the earth dissolving into nothing around me.

Bit morbid I know, but thinking about it we're always getting closer and closer to that point, whether or not we'll live to see it. What will the last surviving human be like? Would we even be able to recognise them? Would they be the ones who've triggered the end, or perhaps it simply happens around them, with them unable to fight back against it.

Sometimes people are convinced that their world has ended, I have been in the past, and there never seems to be a way out or another option. Yet somehow if you fail to actually end it you discover something interesting. You find out that actually its not all over, that while you can be as full as you want of despair and misery, things change. Not necessarily for the better, but there is a change.

Bleh, I feel sick from all the optimistic claptrap I just spouted. Wish I had a better way to put it all, but that's just my thoughts at the moment so I'm afraid you'll have to put up with them.

Writing again

2005-02-14T11:24:00.000Z

Still incredibly bored at work, not even repetitive lifting of computers to take my mind off it today. Decided to try writing a little again , not gonna try and write a whole story this time, just putting down some ideas that come into my head as and when. I don't have the sticking power for a long story, but little short things I can probably manage. No particular reason for the title, but there ya go.

So anyway I'll be posting fairly regularly there I hope, at least whenever I get an idea stuck in my head and just have to put it down. It'll save me ranting and raving about some of the stranger stuff on here as well.

Far too quiet at the school today, its oddly uncomfortable not having classes going in and out, no crowded corridors, whispering and giggling students, gossip-mongering teachers in the staff rooms. I always knew that buildings could feel alive or dead, but never really thought about the fact that in a way they are. At the moment the school is definitely dead, at the least in hibernation. It even seems as though they're going through an autopsy, there's some builders in, gutting the ceilings and tearing at the wiring. Something vaguely disturbing about it, but I'm not sure why. Guess there's just something about having people in a building.

I've just realised, there's only one part of the school I've never been into. The chapel. I wonder if I'd spontaneously combust if I walked into it?

I wonder if I could have sex with Fox in there during the holidays sometime. Hmm.

Brush with fame

2005-02-13T20:00:00.000Z

I suppose that now I'm technically an art model. Does that make me famous? Probably not I know, but I'm now officially the subject of fine art. Woohoo. Unfortunately I can never return to Fox's school, as all of her friends will have likely seen me naked. Ah well, I can live with that.

Need more stuff going on in my life to write blog entries about, dunno what it is, but at the moment I'm just not inspired to write as often. Don't seem to have any topics to write about, so anyone who's got any ideas to make life more bloggable without spending money feel free to let me know.

Once again my brain seems a little disconnected, think it might be tiredness again, or just the tip that the room is in at the moment.

Oh dear. I've just realised that this means someone I barely know has a naked picture of me...in electronic format...must get plastic surgery and hide somewhere.

Second drug encounter

2005-02-10T13:36:00.000Z

Following on from my hatred of pot post I'm gonna bring up my second personal experience with drugs. This time with poppers.

Now don't think it was peer pressure or anything like that which pushed me into trying them, it was simpler than that. I simply wanted to try them at a club, so I did. They had a wonderful effect on me, lots of energy. Unfortunately also made me feel incredibly, ridiculously angry. I won't talk about what happened, but it was unpleasant to say the least, and involved rather a lot of blood and violence. In fact if there hadn't been people to pull me back, and I hadn't had the presence of mind to run for it, I'd probably have been spending time in jail for murder. As it was the guy lived, and wasn't too badly hurt. From what I heard he didn't even have to go to hospital. And still no one knows it was me, about which I'm very grateful.

Anyway, those're my major two reasons for deciding that drugs of any sort aren't good for me. Even second hand smoke from pot makes me twitchy, paranoid and irritable.

I feel special

2005-02-09T17:52:00.000Z

See how pathetic my life has become, being randomly picked for some guys ethics in blogging thesis survey actually makes me feel special. I need more competitions in my life, maybe some theme music. Less work, definitely, and more adventures with Fox and other friends.

Anyway this thing looks serious, and I figure it can't hurt, so if anyone else wants to help this guy out with his thesis just click here. And no, I'm not getting anything for this. Don't worry.

Jekyll and Hyde

2005-02-09T13:33:00.000Z

Went to see a musical the other night, my sister got free tickets for the whole family. I was absolutely knackered throughout, and despite the fact that the show was excellent kept on dozing off leaning on Fox's shoulder. It was Jekyll and Hyde, just in case the title didn't give it away already, and I've now decided that I don't particularly like the story.

Sure, the show was good, but Hyde was meant to be the purest embodiment of human evil, not just some psychotic idiot who went round killing people who'd offended him. This is a problem I have with the whole concept, why do people assume that evil automatically means violence and death? Now I can perfectly understand that Hyde is completely self-obsessed, but I don't see why that should make him stupid. Particularly if he's supposed to have this one redeeming feature, his amazing love of life.

Will admit though that while the idea of everyone having a beast inside them is old, it still makes a powerful story. Personally I'm perfectly aware that I have a beast inside me, constantly wanting to be let out and play. I know exactly what I/it am/is capable of, and why I have to behave. In a world without consequences it'd be a different story.

Is that the same for all of us though? I mean is it only the fact that there'd be consequences for our actions that hold us back, or is it that most people are actually decent and reasonable, and then there's the people who aren't, and in between there are people like me who only stick to the rules because we're not given a choice?

Wow. I must be feeling melodramatic. Rather exaggerated post, but there's some elements of truth in there I guess.

Escapism

2005-02-08T14:32:00.000Z

For some reason people seem to think that dressing up in armour and running round with a fake sword is somehow weird, or sad, or geeky, or whatever you want to call it. I mean I can kind of understand that with tabletop roleplaying, after all, actually using your imagination and placing yourself into different theoretical situations, not to mention following complex or simple rules for the purposes of amusement must be sad, mustn't it? Anyway, now that I've got my pet peeve out of the way I'll carry on ranting about LRP.

Yep, its escapism, trying to get out of reality for a few hours, a weekend, a week, whatever. And so what? Films are escapism. Books are escapism. Rock-climbing is a form of escapism. Almost any leisure activity is, in some form or another, trying to escape from reality. So what's so special about LRP? Nothing whatsoever. So why the stigma?

Best guess is that it could be a few things. I mean, there's possibly the jealousy thing that 'you get to run around and hit people with a foam sword but my friends think its pathetic so I can't'. Maybe just that people haven't tried it, or it isn't 'their thing' and so as always they attack what they don't understand. Either way, or any other way, if people want to bash it that's their problem. The fact that I could happily trounce them with most hand to hand weapons (assuming they're an average person) is neither here nor there.

And what's the appeal of it? There's the escapism, obviously. There's the fact that people who LRP are, in general, nicer and more friendly than the average person on the street, and much more tolerant. On some activities spending the night in almost a stranger's tent would be a scandal. At LRP all you get is a few jokes when you crawl out, bedraggled and half-dressed, in the morning.

There's the fights, particularly for someone like me. The chance to just let go and no longer have to follow all the rules about not hitting people is wonderful. Sure, you have to fight safely, but you still get to have proper combat.

I think more than anything though its the atmosphere. Everyone there is there just to have a good time, sure some people want to make their character more powerful, or further their own agenda, but basically its a game.

Lucid thoughts

2005-02-07T10:46:00.000Z

Ever had one of those days where you can't keep your mind on one track for more than a few seconds? Shaping up to be one of those for me. So this is gonna be rather full of disconnected thoughts.

Think I'll start out on bumper stickers. There's a car in the school car park with two bumper stickers, one is promoting alternate, green energy. You know, solar panels, wind farms, things like that. Nothing wrong with that, but there's a bit of evidence that suggests the owner of the car is something of a muppet. They also have a sticker on their bumper protesting about plans to build a wind farm in some disused, but green and grassy, field. Now is it that this person just doesn't think, or that they believe in green energy, but only if its not on their doorstep, or is it that they instinctively believe that each and every cause they trust in is completely seperate and disconnected. I just cannot get my head around the way that some people think.

I'm thinking of running a game tonight at the local game shop, not been there for a while. If I can't manage to run I might stop in at a friend's instead, or go for a swim. I dunno, just feel like we've been spending too much time in the house. Need to get some characters genned up and made, but I've got the adventure already sorted in my head so it shouldn't be too bad to just improvise when the adventure gets broken.

Found a comic a little while ago. Despite the fact that I had nothing to do with it I'm gonna claim its named after me. Note that this is nothing but a lie, but I found the comic amusing anyway. If you're wondering its here. I tend to read quite a few comics, it gives me something to do other than read blogs and randomly browse the internet at work. Days can get rather dull here as you might imagine, with bugger-all to do except occasionally teach someone how to plug in a computer. I need more work, odd though it may sound.

Wild hunt

2005-02-04T13:31:00.000Z

I'm still unsure whether or not I'm religious. I know its an odd thing to be unsure about but I am. Look at it from my perspective.

My parents are Christian, not strictly Christian, but they do believe. My grandfather is a vicar in the Anglican church. I was, without a doubt, raised Christian. I've been baptised, and I've even been confirmed. And then I started to think for myself. I stopped going to church and started reading. I read books on everything from Christianity to Paganism to Islam, but possibly the most damaging to my faith was reading books on science.

Not only on science, but on statistics, and how miracles can be exaggerated. That people are healed through prayer is a scientific fact, but the religion that prayer is to, or how its performed, or anything else doesn't really matter. I think possibly the closest thing to what I believe now would be chaos magic, although I detest the name with a vengeance. Sounds like some gothic pagan wannabe idea. Kinda like someone I know who claims to be a 'dark neo-pagan'. I mean what's that supposed to mean?

Simply put chaos magic is a belief structure, boiling down to something very simple. What you believe in is pretty much real. There's a bit more to it than that of course, but that's the basics. Personally my opinion of how it works is rather simple, when you create a construct you're basically making a personality construct, you're trying to redesign the way that you think by using simple visualisation. Now visualisation is something I do believe in, I have no doubts that the human mind can do a lot, however it does it all by working on us, there's no god to pray to, there's no telekinesis, what does exist is an ability to alter our perspective on things so that we can solve problems.

Take an example, lets say that I decide to sell something. Apparently I'm a fairly good salesman anyway but we'll use that. I might decide to try and use big bad magic to do it, I might design a ritual and carry it out, I might pray to any of a hundred different gods, but the end result is still gonna be the same. Either I'll sell it or I won't. However I am more likely to sell it if my mind is focussed on that particular goal.

There's various ways to focus, meditation works for some people, simply deciding works for others, and odd forms of visualisation work for me. As far as I'm concerned that's all there is to it.

And in case you're wondering about the title, a form of the wild hunt is something I'd love to organise someday. My own version of it naturally, but a pack of people chasing something down. Not necessarily even to kill, just a wild, uncaring pursuit.

Hatred of pot

2005-02-03T10:20:00.000Z

I can't help it, I have a natural, in-built hatred of pot. I also have reasons for this, well one particular reason anyway. It all happened some years ago, before I was legal for anything other than riding one of those electric bikes.

At the time I had various friends and groups of friends, who mostly didn't know about the existence of one another. One particular group were stoners, who I'd travel up to London to see now and then. I never got stoned myself, and there was another person there who didn't, which turned out to be fortunate. We just went up to chat, and hang out. Maybe catch a faint buzz off the second-hand smoke but that wasn't deliberate.

They had one of those coffee tables, the wooden ones with glass panels covering a large hole in the centre. One of these stoners stood up, after they'd been smoking particularly heavily, tripped, and smashed straight through the table. He was lying there unconscious, blood literally pouring from his head, spraying over his other stoner friends.

And you want to know their reaction? They laughed, they were so high they found the fact that their mate was bleeding to death on their floor funny. Fortunately the two of us sober enough to actually think reacted. I grabbed a cloth and clamped it over the wound, while the other guy called an ambulance.

Needless to say after that I didn't go back there. I don't even know if the injured stoner lived or died, I just cut off all contact with them after that.

Fun with fucktards

2005-02-01T09:35:00.000Z

The IT technician is your God, you will not anger the IT technician. You will not try to tell the IT technician how to do their job. You will not try to out-technobabble the IT technician. You will obey and worship the IT technician. The IT technician has access to everything, all of your files, yes, including those slightly dodgy pictures, and that erotica you're writing. The IT technician has access to the personnel database, I know where you live, what your phone number is. I have access to your e-mails, including those rather steamy ones you're exchanging with Sophie, the intern in the prep school.

You will fear and obey your IT technician. If you do not, you will be punished.

As you might've guessed today has been going well. Impressive that I'm already this pissed off and I've only been here forty minutes, guess I must be more tired than I thought. I'm sure you can figure out the sort of stuff that's been happening today, its not even like I've deleted anyone's important files, just personal stuff that they shouldn't have been keeping in such a public place as their private, password protected and supposedly secure user areas.

Worship your IT tech, when we're in a bad mood everything knows it.

Lets see God go corrupting files.

Flirting and initiating

2005-01-28T11:31:00.000Z

Its just gonna be one of those days, I can feel it happening already. Anyway I'm not gonna spend this post venting, I'm gonna chat about something else instead.

Someone asked me how I flirt, and how I actually initiate sex, or anything along those lines with people. Thinking back I've actually not got much of an idea how, stuff just happens, then other stuff happens. I mean I flirt with absolutely anyone because I just enjoy flirting, there's no meaning to it, I just enjoy dropping innuendo, making jokes, complimenting people, giving people certain looks and so on. I dunno why, probably just to reaffirm my attractiveness (yeah right) and boost my ego. I need a lot of ego-boosting or I end up like this.

So anyway, once the flirting's got to a certain point and you're friendly with someone this is where initiating stuff comes in. Now I'm quite happy to curl up on the sofa with a friend, watching a film or whatever, I used to absolutely detest being touched or having my personal space invaded. I still have problems with personal space invasion, but not by people I don't consider a threat in some way. I think I'm overcompensating for my past, because I've become massively touchy-feely, and this is how stuff starts.

Lets say you're just lying next to someone, watching a film. You feel a bit uncomfortable, so you just drape an arm over them. They don't object and press a little more against you. So you start to wonder to yourself just what would happen if you, say nuzzled the back of their neck. Its not even a desire for sex or anything else, although its not something I used to object about if it happens. So you try just nuzzling the back of their neck. They'll either pull away, or respond somehow. I've never had anyone pull away.

And to be honest stuff just goes from there. Just wondering what would happen if...and then trying it and seeing what happens. And then going a step further, and so on. And eventually this always seemed to lead to sex, or some sort of sexual contact.

I'd just like to add that this is stuff I'd do when not in a relationship, I'll still hug friends and be close with them, but when in a relationship I just don't have this curiousity. I guess it must partly arise out of frustration after all.

Moving out

2005-01-27T11:32:00.000Z

Hopefully we'll be moving out soon, its just a matter of getting together the money to afford it, since I'm still paying off my wife's debts. She of course is unable to help pay them off, since she can't find a full-time job. Unsuprising, expected, but I was kinda hoping. Ah well, I'll live.

So anyway we're trying to pull enough money together to be able to rent a room in a three bedroom flat, where there's friends of ours in the other two bedrooms. We'll be having to clear through and chuck out a fair bit of our junk, but then again that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'll have to make a list of stuff to take and get hold of some boxes.

Plusses to this place are obvious, firstly we'd actually have a room of our own, our own little bit of space. Not much, less than we've got at my house at the moment, but it would still be our own. We'll have to check in and find out how much modification we're allowed to make to the room. And I'll get to buy furniture from Ikea again. Joy. Still we shouldn't need that much, I'm not even sure if the room's furnished or not.

So yeah it looks like I'll actually meet the deadline. For anyone who was wondering what that little day countdown is on my sidebar, that's the time I'd left myself until we got our own place. If Fox gets the job that she went for the interview for today (apparently it went well, so you never know) then we'll be moving in when her first paycheck comes in. Otherwise we'll have to wait until we've actually got some cash together.

Actually we have a digital camcorder coming soon, so anyone interested in buying home-made amateur porn feel free to contact us with your credit card details. Custom made too.

Oh, and I finally got smileys working.

And accidentally bought a few more things off eBay, still, they were worth it.

Off to the flat tonight to watch Charmed, and possibly fall asleep. Sooooo bloody knackered.

Hmm, these could be fun. In future I shall annoy you all with pointless smileys.

Finally, since she's been sticking up embarassing photos of me I can't help but return the favour.

It had to be done.

A quiz

2005-01-26T14:52:00.000Z

This is filled in under Fox's orders, and promise of a blowjob. She doesn't know about the promise of a blowjob bit but she will when I get home. Anyway:

Have you...
- Fallen for your best friend? Nope
- Made out with JUST a friend? Yup, though occasionally they've not seen it that way
- Been rejected? Yep, definitely
- Been in love? Am now
- Been in lust? Quite regularly when Fox is around
- Used someone? Probably, though not intentionally
- Been used? Yep, I think so
- Cheated on someone? Yes
- Been cheated on? Yes
- Been kissed? Stupid question, yes
- Done something you regret? Sort of, but I try not to regret things

Who was the last person...
- You talked to? My boss
- You hugged? Fox
- You sent an Instant Message to? Maggie
- Kissed? Fox
- You yelled at? A computer in the sixth form study room
- You laughed with? Fox
- You had a crush on? Fox
- Who broke your heart? June, I don't think its been broken since

Do You...
- Color your hair? Yep, but not recently
- Have tattoos? Not yet
- Piercings? I have issues with piercings, no.
- Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? Girlfriend, at the least
- Own a webcam? Oh yeah
- Ever get off the damn computer? Rarely, I'm an addict
- Habla espanol? No

General Questions...
- Are you psycho? When stressed
- Schizophrenic? Nope
- Obsessive? Debatable, I'd say no
- Depressed? Not at the moment
- Obsessed with Hate? I don't really do have
- Dream of mutilated bodies? Not mutilated, but yes
- Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? Yes
- If you could be anywhere, where would you be? Las Vegas, in my own casino/cocktail bar/hotel
- What would you be doing? Something explicit and probably illegal
- What are you listening to? Class next door talking about searches
- Can you do anything freakish with your body? On occasion I can do one-arm pushups, that's it
- Chicken or fish? Fish for preference, chicken for cheapness
- Do you have a favorite animal? Yes

Currently...
Current Clothes: Black trousers, black button-up shirt, black jumper, black socks and heavy black boots
- Current Mood: Sleepy and brain-dead
- Current Taste: Dry butter-biscuits
- Current Hair: Needs a wash, over shoulder length, black/blonde/brown/red
- Current Annoyance: The class next door
- Current Smell: Burnt silicon
- Current thing I should do: list to long to type.
- Current Book: Learn Sharepoint in 10 minutes
- Current DVD In Player: Nothing at the moment
- Current Refreshment: Pepsi
- Current Worry: Fear of the girls in prep tonight

Favorites:
- Food: Peking duck with pancakes, sliced veg and hoi sin sauce
- Color: Dull, neutral grey
- Shoes: Sturdy boots
- Candy: Trying not to eat any, but at the moment milky ways
- Animal: Gerbils
- Movie: Bleh, no idea, something anime probably, or porn, or both
- Fruit: Strawberries without a doubt
- Flower: Black tulips

This or That:
- Guys or Girls: Girls, just find them easier to talk to, possibly because I can flirt
- Boxers or Briefs: Neither, or boxers
- Reading or Writing: Writing, just don't do it enough now, although blogging's similar
- Walking or Running?: Walking
- Brains or Brawn: Brawn solves more problems unfortunately
- Left or Right? Yes
- TV Shows or films: Films
- Rap or Rock?: Rock
- Day or Night?: Night, for various reasons
- Clean or Messy: Cluttered

Evil of eBay

2005-01-26T09:12:00.000Z

I have come to the conclusion that eBay is pure evil, I can't come up with any other explanation for having spent £105 today. To be fair though we did manage to find some fairly cheap stuff, a decent set of wrist-to-neck cuffs for £15, a digital camcorder for £45, a tiny dress for Fox for £4, a graphics pad for £15 and a heavy keychain for £1. Of course the extra comes from postage and packing, and I've still got bids going on.

Hmm, must bargain hunt for more stuff. I think I'm hooked...must resist.

I've actually decided to try and be organised and budget myself, so here's the budget so far.

Money towards debts each month: £300
'Fun' money: £300
Money for emergencies and essentials, petrol, food etc: £300

I'm not much of a financial person as this'll probably give away.

But hey, I have a digital camcorder on the way (hopefully), so I'm happy.

Indulgency

2005-01-23T22:53:00.000Z

Something I've just realised, this blog is for me. Yep, I would like people to enjoy reading it and be interested and comment, but first and foremost its for me to stick random thoughts or events in that I want to remember, and to let me amuse myself at work by writing. Somewhat selfish possibly, but I can't help but wonder if stopping trying to make interesting posts all the time will make it easier, since at work blogging is one of the few things that keeps me occupied. Possibly a large part of the reason I have three active blogs.

Anyway I just wanted to say, there is something deliciously indulgent about a day when all that you or your girlfriend wear is towels or dressing gowns. My parents are away for the week, and for once I have nothing to do this weekend, so we've just lazed inside the whole day. Alright so lazed isn't quite the right word, we've actually got quite a bit of exercise, but its nice to just be able to curl up together in front of the fire afterwards and not move until we're ready to go again.

Also watched a decent handful of films, got my phone set up so I can download pictures from it to the computer. Lots of fun, and will probably mean that I can get more pictures up here. Bad luck to you all.

I've just had a collar clapped around my neck and Fox is currently searching for the leash so I'm gonna have to go I think.

About an hour or so later, maybe more, I will just add that payback is a pain in the arse. Literally in this case.

Sexercise

2005-01-21T15:33:00.000Z

Why is it that so many of my conversations seem to work their way round to sex? I mean sure, I think about it a lot, I get it rather a lot, but its still rather odd to just have it come up in conversation so much. Take this for example, me and someone else were chatting about exercise programs.

[LilBunnyRabbit] 1:48 pm: Does violent and energetic sex count as cardio?
[Anonymous] 1:48 pm: yup
[Anonymous] 1:49 pm: you could even rig up a circuit
[Anonymous] 1:49 pm: preferably, you should do it 3 times a week or more
[Anonymous] 1:50 pm: you could do it for longer sessions of hours, or you could do interval training
[Anonymous] 1:50 pm: why?
[LilBunnyRabbit] 1:52 pm: Just curious.
[LilBunnyRabbit] 1:53 pm: So two hours a day, daily is a bit much?
[Anonymous] 1:53 pm: nah, if you're just interested in fat loss that's excellent
[Anonymous] 1:53 pm: as long as you don't overtrain you should be fine
[LilBunnyRabbit] 1:53 pm: Good good.
[Anonymous] 1:54 pm: Graifox will be pleased
[LilBunnyRabbit] 1:54 pm: Uh...that's our current routine.
[LilBunnyRabbit] 1:54 pm: Think we should up it?
[Anonymous] 1:55 pm: stick at it then you could up the intensity by adding interval training
[Anonymous] 1:55 pm: or rigging up a circuit
[LilBunnyRabbit] 1:56 pm: Interval training or a circuit? Uh...that could be interesting, any suggestions.
[Anonymous] 1:56 pm: well...
[Anonymous] 1:57 pm: for a circuit, rig up some equipment, use it as hard as you can for a short period, then rest a minute between whole tours of the circuit
[Anonymous] 1:57 pm: for interval training, you have to monitor the intensity
[Anonymous] 1:57 pm: how does tabata bonking sound to you?
[Anonymous] 1:57 pm: screw as hard as you can for 20 seconds, then gentler for 10 seconds
[LilBunnyRabbit] 1:57 pm: Uh...what sort of equipment are we talking about, and tabata?
[Anonymous] 1:57 pm: rebeat as needed
[Anonymous] 1:57 pm: equipment? I dunno, bed, floor, wall?
[LilBunnyRabbit] 1:58 pm: Ah, okay, that sort of equipment. Not dildos and suchlike.
[Anonymous] 1:58 pm: well... if you can work out a way to fit them in...
[Anonymous] 1:59 pm: use your imagination...
[LilBunnyRabbit] 1:59 pm: Oh we do, but thanks. Much better than going to the gym.
[Anonymous] 1:59 pm: Yeah. More power to you...

Hmm, maybe I should write about and document our sex exercise program...

Just got an e-mail

2005-01-20T14:49:00.000Z

I actually did just get this e-mail, word for word, not a single letter has been changed. Once I'd finished laughing hysterically I just had to wonder, are there really that many people in the world ignorant enough to believe this?

Don't Open in Front of Parents.... Five people actually got killed by not sending this piece of mail.

The creator of this mail has a program that will track down everyone who sent this mail and whoever that didn't send it will DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE because this program can actually track down your address.

Send this to 15 people within the next fifteen minutes or you will die die die die die, what do you have to lose? Your life so pleaz send this on to many of your friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just think if we could harness that degree of stupidity for the common good. Sending out e-mails along these lines:

This is genuine, a terrorist organisation fighting against the lack of aid to poverty stricken countries has developed a program that will track down the financial records of anyone who earns over £25000 a year and does not donate at least 10% to charity. Any records of those it finds will be deleted, meaning that you will lose your credit cards, bank accounts, trust funds, everything!

Probably doesn't have enough exclamation marks, but you get the idea.

Public indecency

2005-01-19T17:26:00.000Z

What is it about illicit sex that makes it appealing? I mean why is it that people will find sex in a public shower more of a turn-on than sex in the shower at home. Note that saying its a turn-on doesn't mean its necessarily better, just that there is some strange appeal to it.

Its not only that though, it can't be just the idea of being caught, there's something to actually being watched as well. Now and then me and Fox will load up a webcam, and play for other people's viewing pleasure. Sometimes its a submissive thing, particularly when we're both in a submissive mood, as it means we can find someone to give both of us orders without the risk of being forced to do stuff with other people.

Yes, when we're that submissive it is actually a risk. We've still not worked out quite how we'd react to that one, so best to avoid it for the time being.

Anyway, a list of places that I've had sex, the majority of them with Sascha. This actually comes from an MSN conversation with one of her friends so blame her, not me.

- Airplane toilets
- Train toilets
- In the car, in car parks, on the hard shoulder, and in lay-bys
- Over the bonnet of the car beside the M25
- School swimming pool showers
- Graveyard
- Every room in my house
- Friend's bed, not with the friend
- Bath
- Shower
- Kitchen counter
- Living room sofa
- In a caravan

Hmm, kind of a short list, have to add to it...Fox, get your arse over here.

What if?

2005-01-18T21:19:00.000Z

Ever play what if? I mean the game where you just happen to see someone walking past and think to yourself 'what if I were single?' or 'what if I were to go up and kiss them?' I'm sure other people must play this game, until a little while ago I did even. Can remember the last time I played it quite distinctly, just after I met Fox. About two or three seconds after spotting her in fact.

I've just not played it since then, its kinda odd. Anyway that's just something I realised today. Not that I don't still think 'oh she's cute' or in rarer cases 'oh he's cute', I just don't play what if any more.

Trauma avoided

2005-01-17T09:29:00.000Z

You know how you fear and dread something, and expect the worse, and then it turns out that actually its really not too bad? Just had that this weekend with Fox's parents. We decided to tell them this weekend that Fox wanted to quit college, and hold off for a year before going back. And more importantly that she'd be going back in Woking rather than her hometown.

Their response wasn't quite what I was expecting, and I'm sure it wasn't what she was expecting. Basically they said they'd been expecting it, which I was expecting them to say, and that they didn't really have a problem with it. They raised a few issues, but didn't nit-pick and draw at every little thing to try and put her off. Overall it was fine.

Anyway apparently I now have to try and learn SharePoint, and Flash MX, as well as making a post on Befitting Desires about sexual preferences, or positions, or fantasies or something. Either that or add something more to the lives of our twin vampire characters. Stuff to do. Yay. Maybe I'll just do both.

Unfair education

2005-01-17T09:20:00.000Z

In the UK at least, and many other countries, if you're rich you can afford a better education. You can get better health care, better insurance, generally a better lifestyle. Most people clamour that this is unfair and should be stopped, for anyone who's interested this is my opinion on the matter.

Yep. Its unfair, unreasonable, puts disadvantaged people at more of a disadvantage, blah blah. However that doesn't mean I think it should be stopped. You can say whatever you want, that some people didn't work for their wealth and shouldn't be allowed to enjoy it, that its unfair to the people who cannot afford a public education (also known as a private or independent education) and have to send their children to state schools, say it all.

I went to a state school, and I work at an independent school. I've seen the stuff that they have to go through to get into the schools, and its not as simple as 'we'll pay you if you'll take our kid', they also have to be accepted. Now I appreciate that not all public schools are like this but why should that make a difference?

Basically I do not believe that it is fairer to drag the majority down to everyone else's standards just because they get a better start in life. Much better way to do it would be to try and drag the majority up, which isn't going to happen for one very simple reason. Most of the majority do not want to be dragged up.

Oh yes, they'd quite happily take the money and whatever else, but don't think that just because these kids have rich parents they get an easy ride. The reason that independent schools are better is simple, they take the best of the pupils, and they work them bloody hard. So next time someone starts whining about how unfair it is that there are people so much better off than them, give them a kick up the arse and tell them to do something to improve their own situation rather than bitcihng about someone else's.

Monarchy or republic?

2005-01-16T10:06:00.000Z

I want to see the monarchy back.

Now hear me out before you jump down my throat. I'm fed up of this whole democracy thing, all we end up with is the same leader, doesn't matter who you vote for, they'll still manage to annoy everyone somehow so lets at least throw the pretense that democracy is a good thing away.

Most people simply do not know what is good for them. Stupid thing to say maybe, but think about it, we had to make a law so that people wore seatbelts, we have speed limits, and people exceed them on a regular basis, people do not drive safely, they don't try and keep themselves fit and healthy, they smoke, drink, and take drugs. All in all people are self-destructive.

So what does this have to do with a monarchy? Well, electing our own leaders to supposedly act according to our own desires means either we're self-destructive, or that they ignore public opinion and do what they think is right anyway, or they do what they want. Why not at least be honest about this and get the royal family back, or even better, take a kid, random kid with the potential to be brilliantly smart, and take a similar kid of the opposite sex. Then we put these two into citizenship programs, national accountancy education, we actually train them to be proper leaders and to do what is actually right. We train them in philosophy, whatever fits, and we don't just teach them inside our own country, we expose them to other cultures.

Then we bring them back when they're grown, stick'em on the thrown, make them have sprogs and start training the sprogs the same way.

Well, its a thought.

Love and lyrics

2005-01-13T13:19:00.000Z

Supposedly love is the most difficult thing to write about, even though people sing about it so much. Why exactly?

Its not that hard to analyse or define, though explaining that definition to someone else might be a little more difficult. Still, science now has an explanation for love, or at least for the seven month hormonal infatuation that most people think of as love. You see someone you like, various chemicals kick off in your brain and trigger a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder centred around the person. Simple really. So that's love huh?

Well not really. A seven month infatuation isn't love really is it. Or at least most people wouldn't see it like that. I have only ever told three people I loved them, not counting family, one ended up dead, one was during a period of my life I'd rather forget, where I was trying to be someone who wasn't me for the sake of other people, and one is the person I'm with now and hope to spend the rest of my life with. So what exactly do I mean by love?

Lets take the recent one shall we. The person I'm in love with now, who many of you probably know as Fox, has various things about her that just stun me. I can always happily watch her undress, and enjoy it, if she's lying next to me I have to touch her, feel her, stroke her, play with her, something. Its impossible not to, my body just does it without me thinking. I spend as much time as possible with her, and I've never spent more than a solid day with someone without them driving me completely crazy before. Fox I've spent more than that barely leaving the bed. I hate having to leave her in the mornings to go to work, and love coming back home to be tackled (literally).

So, that's my version of love, but its not everyone's. It always varies, you get gentle soft forms, where people grow old together peacefully, and seem more like just close friends to those who watch. And then there are the passionate, wild romances that you get, more lust than love to those who look.

You can't easily tell what's in a relationship by looking from outside, you can judge and make guesses, but the only two people who really know what's going on are those within.

Gifts from genetics

2005-01-12T19:35:00.000Z

Supposedly I'm good at certain things, or at least people keep telling me so. Whether its genetics or whatever I'm not sure, but some of them I can agree with and others I can't.

Sorry for such a self-absorbed post but I had an urge to blog before my bath, and no better ideas for a topic.

Right, so things I'm supposed to be good at.

Teaching. People say that I'm a very good teacher, whether it be driving, martial arts, how to use a computer or anything else. Hell at the school I get asked for help with homework, though that may not prove much. Anyway I'm thinking of going for my driving instructor's qualification when my license clears, the extra money wouldn't hurt, and there is some satisfaction in teaching. Looking forward to starting a self-defense course at the school as well, though I fear being alone with some of the students.

Fighting. Odd thing to say I know, but this is one I can't argue with. I've been in enough fights to know whether or not I can handle myself, and I can. Might be mainly because I simply take a lot of hits before I drop, but having never dropped yet I wouldn't know. Not sure if its something to be proud of though.

Story-telling. Apparently I can tell stories well, dunno why, whether true or fiction people tend to just listen, laugh, and enjoy. Problem is I can also lie far too well for my own comfort, which makes it kinda difficult for other people to believe me some've the time, particularly if they know me well. I just have to hope that when I'm telling the truth people trust me.

Not good at thinking up topics for blog entries when I'm bored. If anyone can think of one, let me know, soon as possible thanks.

Sexual satisfaction

2005-01-12T13:40:00.000Z

So what happens when you get a nymphomaniac and a satyrist in a relationship, and throw into that with both switching between dominant and submissive, along with varying degrees of perversion? Oh yes, and mustn't forget to include a healthy dose of exhibitionism, and a few other fetishes and deviant acts beside.

Well if you really want to know we're making another blog together, a sort of sex/fantasy diary thing. Not been going long yet, but any pervs amoung you might wanna take a look into our private lives. Any self-righteous, morally upstanding young religious people, feel free to tell us we should burn in hell. Then you can go back to your prayer time, with that lovely thought in your head that you're morally right and superior to us. Meanwhile we'll be ignoring you and probably fucking, but thanks for thinking of us.

All of the girls came back to school today. What happy happy joy, nothing's happened so far, they've not even screwed up a computer or forgotten a password yet. Hopefully a mate of mine'll finish writing a reference for me fairly soon, because I wanna start teaching my self-defense class.

Bleh, too much caffeine and sugar, my mind's all over the place.

Showing off

2005-01-11T14:59:00.000Z

Realised the other night that I am actually a show-off, I mean I'm sure some people have already realised this. Alright, that's enough yelling. I'm sure you all realised this a long time ago. Gave me pause for thought though.

Why is impressing people, or making them laugh, or smile, or just getting some sort of reaction from them so important to me? I'd like to think that I'm perfectly at peace with myself and the world, blah blah. Am I though? I mean sure, I can carry on quite happily with no one around me, but I'm never happier than when I'm somehow impressing someone, flirting, joking, comforting, or anything else. Its as though interaction with other people is what defines me. I rely on others to accept me as I am, and no, I won't change for them, but I need some sort of reaction to assure myself that I'm still me.

Does this even make sense? I've thrown myself over walls, risked being knifed, got into fights, and generally done some fairly stupid things in the pursuit of attention. Surely I should regret my need to be noticed, but for some reason I don't. I don't even know what I'd call it, its not exactly attention seeking, though sometimes it is, because I don't need the focus to be on me for me to feel good.

Bleh, I'm sure one day it'll all make sense to me. Until then though I'm gonna carry on as I am, enjoying myself, and showing off at every opportunity. Best guess though, all boils down to insecurity, which I have far too much of.

Needles needles everywhere

2005-01-10T23:54:00.000Z

If you don't like the word needles, don't read this, but I just want a little explanation for people about why I'm in a fair degree of pain. Went to the hospital nice and early today for the standard blood test and testosterone injection. Nope, its not a medical problem, its a side-effect of my lovely sterility implant. The blood test is fine, needle goes into arm, little vacuum tubes go onto needle, pretty red stuff comes out, Fox drools a little and gets jealous of the amount of blood they're taking and everyone's happy.

The testosterone injection isn't too bad, except for a couple of things. Do you know where they inject testosterone? Take a wild guess. Right, now those of you who guessed in the arse, you get a free baby. Anyone else I'm afraid you get nothing. Still wouldn't be too bad, I mean its not like I actually have enough shame to worry about nurses staring at my arse (ask me about uni sometime), but its more the after effects. That lovely, dull, bruised feeling. Apparently you don't get it if you keep your leg relaxed. Not usually a problem you'd think, except when your leg is pretty much muscle and very little fat (all my fat congregates in the stomach area) and you feel something sharp stabbing you in the rump there's a very instinctive reaction.

Ouch.

Anyway for those foolish ones of you who wanted more face in the hotornot picture, up there now is the most that I ever show. I walk around like this as much as I can, my hair is my shield. It protects me from the world.

Am I hot or not?

2005-01-09T20:42:00.000Z

Okay, so I'm not really that fussed about whether or not people find me hot, the ones who it matters to like how I look, so I can accept that. On the other hand there is just that niggling little curious, and slightly vain voice that wants to know what others think of me.

I have to wonder though how it happens. I mean we were at a friend's house this afternoon watching the television, and there was this pair of adverts. The first one was for the top new model in America, but to be honest they just looks like scrawny little wastes of space. I mean really, what's the point of a girl who you'd break if you got into bed with her? And even better to follow that was the makeover weekend, whatever it was. What they were doing was taking people, average to reasonably attractive, and turning them into almost identical barbie dolls.

I think I'll become a serial killer and start hunting down the plastic surgeons who do this sort of thing. I've got no complaints about someone wanting to change their body, there's plenty I want to change about mine. One of the surgeons in this advert though was going on about how hideous a rather nice looking girl was, and how he was going to make her look so much better by doing this that and the other.

If you can't appreciate natural attractiveness in someone, you certainly shouldn't be allowed to artificially enhance it.

Now back to the title since I've finished my little rant. For anyone who's curious, yes, I am up on the site. Some friends put me up for a joke, but there ya go, and I've never bothered taking it down. I should do I guess, but meh, I'm curious what people think of how I look.

Alright, and being honest there's a few feelings of insecurity mixed in there too.

Cooking

2005-01-09T13:07:00.000Z

Everyone can cook, or should be able to. I always find it slightly strange when people say that they can't cook anything. Take my grandfather for example, a year ago he first learned how to cook. He got taught how to make mashed potatoes, and is immensely proud of this. I mean how can you go through your life being that completely helpless, relying so much on others to do work for you.

And its not just cooking, he doesn't know how to wash up, use a washing machine, even use a tumble drier. This is a guy who's helped design fighter jets, how the hell can you keep yourself that helpless when you're actually smart?

Don't make the mistake of thinking I only get irritated at guys who can't cook, I honestly believe that everyone should know how to cook a couple of decent meals. The idea of surviving purely on food that other people've cooked just makes me feel rather uncomfortable.

So on that note, anyone got some good or strange recipes? I'll chuck in mine to start with.

Take a bottle of southern comfort, and a bottle of budget coke, as well as some chicken breasts. Pour a generous amount of the southern comfort into a bowl, add the chicken breasts, and top up with the coke until they're covered. Leave it for a little while, maybe half an hour, and pour the whole mix into a wok. Keep them frying until the marinade has reduced down to something thick and sticky, flipping the chicken now and then.

Do some vegetables as well, and there ya go.

Anyway I'm off now to go and make pancakes for breakfast.

Rare occurence

2005-01-07T21:14:00.000Z

This isn't particularly common, although it may occasionally seem it. Its rare that I'm allowed to get to the point that I'm slightly buzzed through alcohol, because I'm generally the driver. I can drive after a couple of drinks with no problems, in emergencies I've driven up to Scotland after more. However most of my friends will take away my car keys immeadiately after I've had a couple of drinks. Nice to have a change for once.

Just had a rather pleasant hour or so in. Game of pool, few drinks, joking chat, all with someone I didn't really know was a friend, though I got on well enough with her. Still don't actually know if she's a friend, but she's funny, seems to tolerate me and Fox, and is cute. Even better is that Fox doesn't mind me admitting that the girl's cute, ah, so nice.

So going out tomorrow night as well to meet up with people. I'm just praying I won't be the only male, that only ever leads to bad stuff one way or another. Sometimes fun, but usually with bad consequences. Although I feel that for once I'm with someone who'll realise that my flirting with other people is just the way I am, and is just friendly.

I love you Fox.

And I need a new song, I've got just the first line of 'You make me feel like dancing' going round and round in my head without pause.

Health and safety

2005-01-06T13:35:00.000Z

What joy, I have a health and safety lecture at nine in the morning tomorrow. Oh how happy I shall be to have to get up that early once again, and even better, it'll continue for the rest of the term.

For anyone who can't tell, that was extremely poor sarcasm.

Despite all of the unpleasant stuff going on today such as Fox being ill, and me actually having to do work, I'm not actually all that stressed. Guess its partly the knowledge that even though she's ill I still get to go home to Fox after work, still get to curl up in bed, and waste time watching films. Maybe if she's up to it even go into town for late night shopping or run down to the gym. Think swimming would be an incredibly bad idea though.

Went shopping a couple of days ago and bought some new toys from Beau Blue and Ann Summers. Love those shops, so much fun to see the shocked expressions on people's faces as you walk around with their bags. What's even better is the occasional smile and wink that you get from an unexpected person, just to say 'I know exactly what you're going to be up to, and I approve'. Didn't get all that much, replenished our supply of bondage tape, got a vibrator that intimidated Fox until she realised that it was smaller than me, a couple of pleasure pearls that just plain looked pretty, and a cocktail book.

Odd to see a recipe book with pictures of hardcore sex, but there you go.

Unfortunately we're going to have to wait a while until we can try out any of the new toys, but we have been trying out a couple of new things anyway.

Hmm. Not sure what to do this evening. Would be nice to go into town late night shopping, but only if Fox is up to it, otherwise it ain't gonna happen. Maybe I'll grab a film or something on my way back from work. Got to try and get her to do some designs as well while I've still got the idea, lovely Christian t-shirt designs. Might even be able to sell a couple.

Hijacking

2005-01-04T19:28:00.000Z

I guess this is what happens when you forget to log out of your blogspot account...I would delete it, but then Fox'd probably be upset, and it is kinda cute you have to admit. Looks like something that should be put on a skewer and toasted, like a marshmallow.

Uh, not that I'm in the habit of toasting foetuses...

Anyway, the rest of this was Fox's hijacking of my blog. Bad girl. No spanking.

I saw this an thought of you....

I adopted a cute lil' easter bunny fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

disturbing aint it folks

love Fox

not Bunny

fox

Spending the night

2005-01-04T13:42:00.000Z

Some people get goodbye kisses on the doorstep when they leave for work, I end up with farewell blowjobs. I love my life.

Anyway moving on, yep, back at work properly today. Actually gonna have to do stuff this afternoon as well. Things to install, things to fix, things to break, basic stuff to do. Nervous about the expected phone call this evening, though kinda looking forward to it I have to admit. Never know, we could go far.

Too many commas in that paragraph. Better move on.

Had great fun last night, found a lovely schoolgirl ensemble for Fox. She looked rather nice in it, particularly with the stuff she was doing. Nothing much exciting's been happening in the last few days though.

Oh yes, cooked our weekly meal yesterday. Cajun this time, went down very well, and we've got enough left for the rest of the week most likely.